It was one of those weekends. You know the kind you think is going to be relaxing and magical and wonderful that really ends up being exhausting, frustrating, and overwhelming instead? Looking back on the weekend it really doesn't seem that bad, but in the moment of whiny, hyper, fighting boys I lost my temper way more than I should have.
By the time we were driving home I'd had enough of my boys. All of them. Unfortunately I was trapped in the car with them for three hours. I swear I contemplated opening the car door and jumping out while we were going top speed on the highway. It was just never ending. Ugh.
It is times like these when I wonder if I should even be thinking of having a fourth child when I can barely muster the patience to handle the three I have. Add to that the fact that Todd basically told me he would agree to a fourth child mostly just to make me happy (even though he stresses that of course he would be thrilled to have another child) and I'm second guessing another child again. I know Todd is really enjoying the added freedoms that comes as the boys age. Throwing another child into the mix would "set us back" into the homebound mode for a little while again. And while it is nice of him to want to make me happy I can't go into planning a child with that as his reasoning.
And then there is the obvious. Do I want a fourth child simply to have a girl? Of course mothers of all boys hate to even bring this subject up. It is painful. It feels like a betrayal even thinking about wanting a girl. All the times I have been asked if we'll try for a girl, immediately becoming defensive of my wonderful boys, and denying any part of me that wishes for a girl so everyone knows how much I love my boys. It seems taboo to even bring it up. To even think about it.
Of course I love my boys. Of course I am grateful for each of them and would never want my children any other way than as they are. I am so blessed to have my three sweet, beautiful, smart, and loving boys. But would I also like to have a girl in this family? Well. If I'm honest the answer is "yes".
I think these feelings exploded when my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer a few years back. Suddenly having a daughter seemed imperative. I must continue this mother/daughter relationship I kept telling myself. It must be duplicated. It must live on. I know that having a daughter does not guarantee that bond just as I know that I will have a very close bond with each of my boys. But again, if I'm honest, it is just different. The mother/daughter bond.
But if this is the main reason that I want another child then I know that I should not be trying for another child. If I will not be equally happy with a boy as I would with a girl then it is not even fair to try.
And so I've been praying. I've been praying for acceptance of whatever God's will is for me and my family. Whether it be that I have 3 children, 4 children or 5 children. Whether they are all boys or not. And I know that even if I never have another child I have already been blessed beyond measure. Whatever God has planned for me is in my best interest. I know that. But I need to accept it as well.