In recent days I have come to realize that I could not have picked a better, more fitting name, for my blog. Seeking Sanity. I am indeed seeking some kind of sanity. More so recently it seems.
My last post hit on just how tired I have been. For a while I was thinking that perhaps something was wrong with me since I had other strange things going on too (lots of sweating, lots of zits, trouble sleeping, weight gain) but I think that was just my body trying to get back to normal after babies, breastfeeding, etc. I had my doctor check my thyroid and he determined it was fine. Doc attributed my issues to hormones and told me it should all settle itself soon. I think he was right. My body seems to be settling down a bit now.
Still, there is this exhaustion. It worried me.
For lent I decided to do everything right. I ate well. I began running and exercising again. I took my vitamins. No alcohol. Lots of water. I figured that if after 40 days I wasn't feeling better then maybe something really was wrong with me.
It was a challenge, which is why I decided to do it for lent. It was my sacrifice, so to speak. For the most part it worked. I lost some weight and got back into a healthy lifestyle again. But I was/am still so exhausted all the time. Just. So. Tired.
However, I'm not worried about it anymore. I've figured it out. The answer couldn't be any simpler.
I'm a mom.
I have four small children.
Exhaustion kind of comes with the territory.
I don't know why this has taken me so long to figure out.
The answer became clear yesterday as I was trying so hard not to blow my top and yell at my kids. It seemed like all day long I was trying so hard not to blow my top and yell at my kids. Every 5 minutes someone was doing something that they should not be doing. Every 5 minutes? Heck! Every 5 seconds. And it was exhausting trying to be positive and calm each and every time instead of blowing my top and yelling at my kids. Exhausting.
I try so hard to be a good mom. Do the right thing. Say the right thing. Be calm. Be supportive. Be a good example. Let them be kids. Let them have fun. Keep them safe. Teach them responsibility for their actions. Be kind. And man! It is exhausting!!! It is exhausting to try to do the right thing all the time and it is equally exhausting when I know I haven't done the right thing. When I loose my temper, when I holler and yell, when I say the wrong thing, when I am a bad example, it is exhausting. Guilt is exhausting. And worry is exhausting. Worrying about my failures as a mother. Worrying about every move I make, every decision, every word I say affecting them for the rest of their lives. Exhausting.
In short (too late) parenting is exhausting.
No matter how wonderful your kids are (and mine are pretty freaking great) parenting is so friggin' exhausting. There really are no breaks. Even in your "off time" you are still "on". There really is no vacation from parenting. I think that is why so many parents joke and say, "I'm running away!" And everyone (parents anyway) laughs because they get it. And they know that you really would never run away because no matter how exhausting this parenting gig is it is still the best time of your life. And that fact is pretty exhausting too.