America

Soaking Up Summer

Todd has had off since Wednesday and until Monday of next week. The poor guy so looks forward to his vacation time, dreaming of relaxing and chilling out, but inevitably we always try and cram as much into every day as we possibly can. It is fun, but also not very relaxing. Still we have all been having a pretty good time soaking up summer.

The other day the boys asked me what an ice cream cone was. I felt like a horrible parent. That day I ran out to the store and got ice cream and cones. They all decided that they LOVED ice cream cones.
Especially ice cream cones eaten outside by the fire!

They like doing anything and everything outside. Even eating their cereal outside (in their underwear).

Todd and I love being outside too. And when the kids go to bed we have our own fun outside. I'm sure the kids suspected we would be having fun outside without them because they had a hard time making it up to bed. They had "dragging feet syndrome". Alas, we got them off to bed. Ahhhh. This is living.

But don't worry, the kids got time around the fire too. Plenty of roasting marshmallows until all the bellies were bloated and full.

After a full day of swimming the boys even got to sleep outside in a tent for the first time. It was very exciting. I was a bit jealous that I didn't get to sleep outside with them (I had to stay inside in the off chance that Grace would wake up at night) but after hearing that Todd only got about 2 hours of sleep (because of firecrackers going off and birds waking them up at 4 a.m.) I wasn't jealous anymore.

Lack of sleep and all we still made it to the parade.

And the fireworks too. It was a long day.

Towards the end the boys kept asking when the fireworks would be over so that they could go to bed. Poor littles.

Today we are off to the zoo. There is no rest for the weary.

Hope you had a wonderful 4th of July and are soaking up as much of summer as you can!

Hands. Green. Chair.

Hands

Green

Chair

Today, One Year Ago

I got the phone call early in the morning. They told us that you were going downhill quickly and that you probably wouldn't make it through the day.

We all quickly made arrangements and soon mom and all of your children were surrounding your bedside. We held hands around you, laid our hands on you, and prayed. We prayed for your peace. We prayed for your comfort. We prayed in thanksgiving for having you in our lives. We cried and we comforted each other.

I was so happy that we were all there for you. So many of us that they had to move you down the hall to a larger room to accommodate your whole family. We all sat around your bedside and told our favorite stories about you. I knew you could hear us. I knew you were enjoying it. Every time someone would tell a story about one of your passions your breathing would speed up and your mouth would twitch as though you were trying to talk. Trying to add to the stories.

It was a day all about you. So often you have taken a backseat in your family life. Happy to let your kids have the spotlight. Never really having a party or the focus on you. But this day. This day was all about you. We could feel your love for all of us in that room with you. And we all agreed that each time one of us would tell you that we loved you we could just feel your desire to say "I love you" back. You were always so quick to tell us you loved us throughout our lives and we could feel it that entire day too.

Your health deteriorated more as the day went on and I was so grateful that you had The Anointing of the Sick just the night before. I knew it made you feel better and it was such a blessing to witness. I almost felt like I was watching you being baptized into your new life. Your spiritual life. And as the day went on and I knew you would not be with us much longer I was comforted that your soul was prepared and ready for God.

When everyone was out of the room I spoke with you. I told you it was okay to let go. To let your body relax. We all said what we needed to say. You knew how much we loved you and we knew how much you loved us. We were going to be okay. We were going to take care of mom. You had nothing to worry about. I told you again how much I loved you and thanked you for being such a wonderful father. If you wanted to let go we were going to be alright.

Still, the day wore into the night. The hospice nurse came in to stay with us and enjoyed hearing stories about how you and mom met, the musicals you were in together, and your passions. I told the hospice nurse that I had a feeling you were waiting until we all left to pass on. I thought you might be worried about us and didn't want us to be there when you passed away. You have always been so private about certain things. You have always had such a strong, personal relationship with God. I thought maybe you wanted it to be just you and God. I spoke with the hospice nurse about my feelings as she assured me that she has seen that many times. Sometimes the person passes on when all is quiet and the family members have gone.

It was late. Most everyone had gone home. Mom was exhausted. She hadn't eaten or slept much. She was planning on sleeping in your room with you but I knew she wouldn't sleep. I was worried about her and she was worried about me. Mom was worried about me being so pregnant and not having had much food and being too tired. We talked it over and I told her I had a feeling you were waiting for us to leave. We finally agreed to go home and sleep and come back first thing in the morning.

We said our I love you's and our goodbyes one more time and we went home.

Ten minutes after I got home I received a phone call from the hospice nurse letting me know that you passed away.

I jumped back into my car, picked up mom and Anne, and we went back to the nursing home to see you. We weren't sure why. We just felt we needed to. When we walked back into the room it felt differently. We could feel that you were gone.

There were no tears. We were so relieved for you, and I'm sure, a bit numb. As we got back into the car for the ride home we all felt very peaceful. We looked up at the stars and the beautiful moon and knew that it was just the kind of gorgeous night that you would marvel at. And now you had the best view of all.

One year has passed. I don't know how to feel about that. With each holiday that came and went without you I felt like I had an excuse for feeling so sad. It was the first Christmas without you. It was the first Easter without you. It was the first Father's Day without you. And now that the first year has passed am I supposed to miss you less? Because that is not how it works for me. As time moves on I feel I am missing you more.

I guess I thought I would see signs of you everywhere I looked and be comforted. I thought I would dream of you often. I thought perhaps I could have conversations with you. But they never came. And it has made me miss you more.

But every now and then I do know you are with me.

Thank you for making me laugh when I was sitting on the back steps tying my shoes. I was all alone in the house hurrying to get to church to help mom plan your funeral. It really caught me by surprise when I sneezed so loudly and then heard your voice clear as day say, "Gesundheit!" It put the biggest smile on my face. It had been years since I'd heard you say that.

And thank you for staying with me when Todd was deer hunting. I know it is silly to be frightened in my own house especially now that I am an adult. But it was a brand new house, and it seemed so big, and I felt so exposed. And I had to put on a brave face for my children even though I was nervous on the inside. The minute I asked you to come and stay with me and watch over me and the kids I immediately felt peaceful and calm. I knew you were with me making me feel safe and protected just like you did when I was a little girl.

Most of all, thank you for being with mom. The conversations you two have now are so real that I can not deny them. It is just more proof of your soulful connection to each other in life and in death. It shows me what real love is. And it also helps release any lingering fear of death I might have had.

I still miss you, Dad. I suspect I always will. Whether you have been gone for one year or 40 years I will miss you. But I take comfort in knowing we will see each other again. If there is one thing you have taught me it is to know God, to serve God, and to trust in God's love for us. And in that love we will live on forever.

I love you, Dad.

More Than I Bargained For

This past weekend while Todd was away I took the boys to see Toy Story 3. Until two weeks ago the boys had never even seen the first two Toy Story movies, but once they did they were hooked. Knowing they would have a difficult time with daddy being up north cutting wood at the cabin without them (it was too stormy and buggy and dangerous) I figured it would be a good time to treat them to the movie.

We filed into our seats and began chowing on our popcorn and soda as the movie began. I was a bit worried about the boys being able to sit through all 109 minutes of the movie but the movie was so fun and so entertaining that before we knew it the movie was coming to a close.

And then there it was. The last ten minutes of the movie. Now, I had read reviews for the movie online. I had read articles like the one Owen Gleiberman wrote at ew.com, "Message to men: Yes, it's okay to cry at 'Toy Story 3'", and yet I was still completely taken by surprise. Perhaps because the when I read articles like the one above I got the feeling that everyone got choked up over the feelings of nostalgia. Of being a kid again. And of lost innocence. That's not what got me.

It all started when Andy and his mom walked into his almost empty bedroom to grab the last of his boxes before he leaves for college and Andy's mother says to him, "Oh Andy." and gives him a big hug. I nearly lost it. I had to bite the inside of my cheek as hard as I could to keep myself from sobbing out loud. I thought for sure I would loose it and let out a loud, choking, uncontrollable wailing, "Waaaa-ahhhh-ahhhh. GASP WAAAAAAA!" Joey looked over at me, my trembling mouth, and rested his head on my shoulder. It did NOT help me in holding back my sobs.

Finally, my ten minutes of emotional torture were over and I had to quickly dry my eyes and wipe the sweat off my face before we could get up and walk out of the theater.

On our way home I was trying to get my mind off of the heartwarming scene that was still floating around in my head. I was asking the boys how they liked the movie and which parts were their favorites. They were all eagerly giving me their reviews when Joey said, "Mom, why were you sad at the end? It was a happy ending. Movies always have a happy ending."

The minute I tried to speak my voice began to crack and break. It took me a while to try and regain my composure but I finally squeaked out, "It was hard for me to see the part when Andy had his room all packed up and was leaving for college because I don't want to think about my boys leaving for college just yet. Mommy, will (squeak) really (sniff) miss you guys."

And my dear, sweet, little Tommy said, "Don't worry mom. We won't grow up THAT fast."

And with that I was quietly sobbing so hard that all I could do was nod my head. Yes, honey, that is exactly how fast it goes. Slow it down, my babies. It is going by too quickly.

Joining In

The Questions:

1.If you had 5000.00 to spend on plastic surgery what would you have done?
2. Do you watch Soap operas and if so what is your favorite and why?
3. Favorite clothing brand?
4. An afternoon shopping spree at your favorite store or maid service for a year?
5. would you ever vajazzle?
6. Favorite Disney Princess?
7. Last movie that made you bawl your eyes out?
8. Have you ever broken any bones and if so what?


1- After breastfeeding 3 kiddos my boobs were horrendous. I felt like they looked deformed. I can only imagine what they will look like after I am done with my fourth. Egad. If I had $5000 to spend on plastic surgery I would definitely get my boobs done. Not big. Just a C or something.

2- I have never watched soap operas. I have never really tried either. My mom has been watching As The World Turns for the last 30 or so years (how long has it been on?) but I just couldn't get into it.

3- I don't really have a favorite clothing brand. I really am not impressed by labels, to be honest. But I do love shopping at The Limited. I could buy EVERYTHING in that store. (and right now online they are having 70% off a HUGE selection of their clothes. woot woot!)

4- Shopping Spree at my favorite store! I REALLY don't have many clothes right now. I am still in the process of loosing my baby weight (man, this is really taking me a LOoooooooonnnnggg time!) so I have a limited selection in my current size. By the time I get down to my ideal weight (I'll get there eventually) I will definitely have to go shopping for new clothes.

5- Okay, I didn't even know what vajazzle meant. I had to look it up. Umm. Hmm. I guess I don't really know WHY a person would do that, but whatever trips your trigger I guess. I don't think it is for me though. I'll pass.

6- My favorite Disney princess is Belle. She is smart and funny and feisty and brave. Love her.

7- Toy Story 3 made me bawl my eyes out. I'll talk more about that later.

8- The only bone I've ever broken was my tailbone during labor with my first child. That. Was not fun.

PSF- Done!

Hosted by Cecily

Do you remember this picture?
This is what our house looked like when we first bought it one year ago. Of course we knew the entire house would have to be redone. You've seen all of those pictures here, here, here, and here.

These are the pictures of the outside of the house. A whole other project in itself. You know we had to fill in the in ground pool that was in the backyard. You know we had to cut down all of the rotten trees, level the whole yard, put in a new driveway, add a patio in the back, put up a new fence in place of the rotten fence, and then replant all the new trees, bushes, flowers, and grass.

But we had to wait until spring to do most of that. So for the rest of the year the yard looked a lot like this.

I had a hard time keeping the boys out of the dirt. It was not fun. And not pretty. It got pretty depressing looking at it all year. Thankfully, we were finally able to get to the landscaping this spring and our grass was planted a month ago.

Ladies and gentleman! We have grass!

And trees, and bird baths, and bushes, and flowers!

And more flowers! I planted 32 pots of flowers (and 6 pots of tomatoes, peas, and peppers) and yet somehow it doesn't even look as though I have that many in the yard. Humpf.

And this is the new fence (that just needs to be enclosed on the side now that the heavy machinery does not need to get into the backyard anymore).

The boys are no longer restricted to playing in the driveway (although they still love to ride their bikes up and down it).

I love watching all of the birdies picking around in my little rock gardens.

I've always loved spending time outside and now I really love it. What a difference grass and flowers can make.

Now if I could just find a way to get the bunnies and deer to quit eating my pansies and impatients I'll be doing great!