Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Melancholy Me

What is with me? Is it summer? Does summer remind me of summers past? Is that what does it? Perhaps with the warm weather comes warm memories. It seems that not only am I emotional about my boys growing up so fast, but apparently I'm emotional about me growing up so fast, as well. The old "time flies" is just such a cliche that I barely want to mention it. And yet I'm feeling it's razor sharp edge.

I am just a wistful and melancholy mess lately. It is ridiculous, really. And, of course, I wouldn't be me if I didn't feed into my mood. I've been listening to music from my early twenties dreaming about who I was then, which is just the silliest thing in the world. Because who was I then? A young girl dreaming of being exactly where I am right now! It's madness!

It's not that I miss any one stage of my life. There was something wonderful about each phase, including (and most times especially) this one. It is more a feeling that I am never able to fully grasp the magic in the moment but only when I look back on it years later.

This summer I will try my best to create magic for my family so that they too can have warm memories that surface with warm weather. And I will soak up each day as they happen, and feel their magic, because once the day is gone memories will be all I have of them.

(I told you I was melancholy.)

51 comments:

Hilary said...

Awww, Kathryn. I can understand those feelings.. I know them well, at times. I think you're probably doing the best thing you can about them though. Writing, photographing and tying up the package in your head helps to capture those moments in a more concrete way.

Enjoy those kidlets and don't worry TOO much about time passing you by. There's wonderful times at all stages.

And don't sell memories short. They last far longer than the day they're made.

My Life With Boys said...

I can totally relate...thinking of you!

just jamie said...

were we separated at birth? 'Cause I'm feeling ya, really. Maybe not today, but plenty of days I am right there. You really nailed it for me with "a young girl dreaming of being exactly where I am right now!" Isn't that the funniest thing we do to ourselves? Love to you Kathryn on this melancholy day.

Krystyn said...

At least you are *trying* to feel good and savor everything. That should count for something.

And, doesn't everybody listen to music from their teens/twenties to remember that time period?

Lisa said...

I get feeling that same way....I turn 30 next Monday & there is something about that number...my 20's being over, etc.....

It sounds like you need a good drink, a pedi & a night out with the girls!!! Pronto, girl!

Motherhood for Dummies said...

I love the music you have on your blog! Especially David Gray... I LOVE some of his stuff and "This Years Love" is my favorite! Nice taste!

Cara said...

It okay to feel melancoly at times, just don't stay there too long.

Memories are the best! I am getting ready to go visit my cousins and the thing I look forward to most is kicking back and reliving old summer memories. We always spent time together in the summers and always had a blast.

maggies mind said...

Isn't it odd how sometimes the melancholy can just show up and camp out so strongly? I read someone else's blog recently talking about the same, having *exactly* what she wanted yet feeling kind of like you described, thinking back. Maybe there is something in the summertime air :) Hope you are feeling more chipper soon.

Brittany said...

Oh boy can I relate! Why did we let those times go without really enjoying them?! That's why I enjoy EVERYTHING I do now!

lime said...

i think it's natural for you to be sort of focusing on the value of memories given what you are going through with your dad. be gentle with yourself. making lots of good memories for you and your family this summer is the finest use of the time i can think of :)

MamaGeek said...

I feel ya. We've had 3 funerals in ONE week. That does wonders for the old mind. :O But thankfully, this too shall pass...

Cyndi said...

I think for me summer is more like the end of the year because that was how I marked the passing of time as a kid- the end of school is the end of the year. My daughter starts pre-k this year. That makes me feel melancholy, too.

Dawn said...

Summer brings out many of those feelings for me as well. I'm right with ya!

LaskiGal said...

Look how many of us totally feel you!!! Add me to the list.

"It is more a feeling that I am never able to fully grasp the magic in the moment but only when I look back on it years later." That is me, 100%. It is as if I can never fully appreciate a moment until it is over. I just don't get it???

But, I'm like you . . . I'm striving to make this one amazing summer and live right smack dab in the middle of it!

BTW, don't be too hard on yourself. You've already had one heck of a year. :)

kirsty815 said...

Awww I know how you feel, but remember each stage of life makes up our own beautiful story. Enjoy it! Just continue making beautiful memories for those adorable little boys (your doing a fine job), gradually show them how to take the pictures, create their own memories and then you can sit back and watch them unfold their own life story and know it was all well worth it.

Take Care
Kirst

Maryeliz said...

I really admire how honest you are on this blog. It's a pleasure to read about your beautiful life and children and also your beautiful appreciation for that life and your children. Your example on this blog has caused me to be mindful of and grateful for the small gems of each day. All that said, I hope you will consider carving out a teensy bit of time to do something just for you. It seems you are always giving 100 percent of yourself to others, which is so admirable, but (I've learned) not always sustainable for the long haul. I firmly believe in prioritizing family. But I also believe that women have more to give to their families when they get to have a little breathing space (for a walk, or for reading a book, or for tackling some personal project) now and again. Cheers to you.

david mcmahon said...

Kathryn, as a paret who dotes on my children, and as a blogger and friend who understands you through the power of your posts, can I just give you one simple piece of advice ....

Don't look back with regret on each day that passes; instead, look forward with joy to the promise of family love and the embrace of your kids and their kids the day after and the day after that ....

We know how close you are to your children. Life is like a mirror - and they wll faithfully return that love and respect and affection to you.

Trust me.

Cheer up. Keep smiling ...

EatPlayLove said...

It's hard to grasp the speed of time passing these days. Seize the moment! Just think of the new phases that are ahead with you and your family.

Molly's Mom said...

Totally agree. Summer really tends to dredge up some achingly sweet memories over the years--bonfires at the beach, summer jobs, swimming, playing SO hard during the day that you just drop like a stone at night...
And you aren't the only one who daydreams while listening to music from the "old days". Sometimes I can't even listen to certain songs because the associated emotions are so strong, it almost physically hurts!

Cassie said...

I completely understand you on this one! I think it's partly because summer is a time where you have a lot of vacations or outings or whatever, so there is always a lot to remember. I know this year when I started seeing pictures of all of my single friends going to the beach and stuff, I definitely started reminiscing about the fun times we had! But I'm like you, last year when I was spending all of my time with them at the beach, we spent most of the time talking about my upcoming wedding and what married life would be like!

Roxy Wishum said...

The valley looks best from the mountain top and the top looks best from the valley. Be here now and have a root-beer float.

the dragonfly said...

Oh yes, we always seem to look fondly on the times that are not - both in the past and in the future. Enjoy those kids...it's great that you're focusing on making good memories with them. :)

anglophilefootballfanatic.com said...

I see you put up Jenni's graveyard sign. I'm about to.

And, I think there really is something to the season change. Even Puppy's blood sugar goes off for a couple of weeks at the solstices and equinoxes. Do you think that might be it? It seems pervasive right now.

Jewelgirl said...

Being the youngest you are so
deeply connected with "the family".
It is normal to be sad and think
about the past with everything that
has happened recently. It is also
reflecting and realizing you are no
longer 'the kid' and you are taking
on parental roles for your aging
parents. I understand this because it has happened to me.
Cheer up girl you have a wonderful family of your own - really something to smile about! :)

Sandy C. said...

Goosebumps....I have them now from reading this post. It may be melancholy, but it echoes the thoughts in my mind so well.

Cheers to making the most of these summer days :)

Momma said...

I seem to go through all of that whenever I'm hitting a big life transition. Right now, I'm settling firmly into middle age. It is an age I never thought much about when I was younger. We were the "Hope I die before I get old" generation. Now I don't mind the idea of getting older so much. If you're lucky, you get to be old!

I hope your melancholy soon passes.

Peace - D

Tonya said...

I think everyone goes through phases like this. I hope it passes soon for you and that you can fully enjoy those boys of yours!

Rima said...

I am living the life I was daydreaming about in my early twenties, too. But I think my only regret is not appreciating the freedom and metabolism of that era. It's true, though - you can never fully appreciate the moment while you are living it, although I have been trying to do that more and more lately.

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

I think we all feel that way from time-to-time. Summer is a reminder that another year has passed . . .

Mom24 said...

(((Hugs))) Be melancholy...share with us...that's what we're here for you. I totally relate to what you're feeling. Hope the tide turns soon. It does go fast, but that's exactly why we don't want to miss it.

ConverseMomma said...

Here is an idea, take off your shoes, run barefoot through the grass, drink a cold glass of lemondae, try and catch fireflys with the children, and then indulge in ice cream from the truck. Works for me every time.
Feel Better, dear.

Jeni said...

For you, this summer, it's probably a sub-conscious thing working on you due to the many changes in your family with your Dad and his illness -along with the general "I'm getting a little older" and "My kids are growing up too fast" stuff that tends to hit all of us from time to time. \Peace.

Elaine A. said...

Sometimes I long for my more carefree past as well, but you are right in saying that back then I was just dreaming of what I have now... and yes, it is madness how that works!

Dianna said...

I don't mean to scare you but...
Have you been peeking inside my head?
;)

Kristen said...

Awwww Kathryn.

Hope you are hanging in there. You just have so much going on right now with your dad and everything.

Plus, that is so the advantage of blogging. A place to say what you feel, and document all that happens in life. That way you don't have to worry about it passing you by.

Hugs, and hang in there! :)

Kellan said...

This was a touchingly beautiful post, Kathryn. I think you are too good a person - too thoughtful and intelligent and passionate and funny and loveable - to not be already giving your beautiful boys so many warm memories that they will surly carry all the days of their lives!!!!!

Take care - Kellan

DysFUNctional Mom said...

I have those moments too.
And I just love your writing.

imbeingheldhostage said...

I completely understand. I actually got really sad when the husband reminded me that we've passed the summer solstice. He laughed when I said, "That's it, summer's going to be over before we know it-- it's all downhill now" (meaning- days will grow shorter and I feel like I'm just now recovering from that LONG winter).
This is a terrific post!

Sandi McBride said...

Lovely post...and yes you did say you were melancholy...David sent me by
Sandi

Stephanie said...

I do this too. It comes in spurts. Every so often it will happen. So maybe it's not that it is summer. Maybe it is just that you are having a moment?

Louise said...

So well written. I'm glad I came over here for the "post of the day." You put into perfect words what I feel sometimes, and I'm sure what a lot of other people feel as well.

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

Lovely post! What a lovely thought, recreating those summers.

Don Mills Diva said...

Aww Kathryn I sooo hear you on this post. I spent my summers at the lake frolicking in bikinis, waterskiing and dancing all night. I can't help but feel wistful for those days when the warm weather hits - I MISS that careful girl...

Jonny's Mommy said...

I can relate too. I've been so melancholy lately that people keep asking me if I'm pregnant.

Nope. Just forgot to take the little blue pill. Thank you. :-)

Hang in there. We all go through these times!

quilly said...

We all go through it. Just don't let yourself stay there, too long. And for petesake, turn off that music! There's no point in encouraging the melancholy anymore than you have to. Life has enough sadness without us manufacturing more for ourselves!

Kathryn said...

And yet, you took the time to visit my blog and leave a kind comment all while so melancholy! You must be a lovely person to know!!
I think moments like these are a little like time travel, a glimpse into "why" we should embrace the world, life, existence, we have now. Creating magic gets addictive over time, once you start it is impossible to stop!
Your already creating magic for so many bloggers, your kids will be lucky with all the magic you create in your own world with them!

Maggie May said...

We all get like that some times. Something will happen & turn your mood! Came over via David!

painted maypole said...

i love, though, that you are taking those melancholy feelings and turning them into good memories for your boys!

Golightly said...

You always seem to express my feelings so well. I do so understand what you're saying - all too well, I think.

I'm trying hard to give my child the good memories, and more so, memories of a happy mom.

Take care.

Mandy said...

I can so relate to this post! (And so many others you've written.) :-) I added you to my reader and blogroll tonight. I've been enjoying you for some time, and it was time to make it official. ha ha! Keep up the great work!

Kelly said...

Summer does that to me too sometimes. It's ok to be melancholy, as long as you don't stay there! :)
Enjoy your day!

Words To Live By

Be grateful for each new day.
A new day that you have never lived before.
Twenty-four new, fresh, unexplored hours to use usefully and profitably.
We can squander, neglect, or use them.
Life will be richer or poorer by the way we use today.
Finish every day and be done with it.
You have done what you could;
some blunders and absurdities crept in;
forget them as soon as you can.
Tomorrow is a new day.
You shall begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be
encumbered with your old nonsense.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson