Friday, February 1, 2013

Not All Sunshine And Rainbows

A bad day

right from the start

snowballing into worse

Just when I think I've got it all figured out

I realize I haven't even begun

Just when I think my job is well done

I find out what a failure I've been

Not for the faint of heart

Sometimes I don't know if I'm strong enough

Give up

Run away

Call it quits

Not an option

Locked in my room

trying to reason it out

tears cloud my eyes

I can't see the answer

All my efforts failed

my last reaction, unacceptable

Epic fail

Today was one of those parenting days when I just wanted to run away.  I honestly had to restrain myself from grabbing my car keys and taking off.  I'm kinda at my wits end.  And the scary part is that he's still so young yet.  Don't people always say, "Little kids, little problems.  Big kids, big problems."?  Cuz, crap!  Then I'm really screwed.

I don't know. I guess I just have no freaking clue what I'm doing anymore.  Am I worrying about stupid things?  Am I expecting too much?  Am I doing more harm than good?  Why can't I be more patient and understanding?  Why am I so awful at this?  MAN!

It's just so difficult sometimes.  And it shouldn't be. It shouldn't be this hard! I think about parents that really have difficult children.  How do they manage?  My kids are so easy compared to so many and yet here I am pulling all my hair out.


I just wish...

I just hope...

I just want to do better.

"Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them."
P. J. O'Rourke


Bijoux said...

There's always those days. Sometimes it helps me to think, 'will this matter to me in 5 years?' Probably not! But it's hard when you're living through it.

Charmaine said...

Hey from SA :) all i can say is.....
U R NOT ALONE.....we ALL have days like that.....asking similar questions and crying about's the toughest job in the world...ours...mothering...i also have what i call 'my challenge child'...hard work ! God created us moms with this thing called 'unconditional love' and it's that love that us through...our mistakes and theirs...stay strong Kat :)

Peruby said...

Oh yeah! Been there! As Char said - "You are not alone!"

I remember that angst so well! You just feel horrible. Horrible.

I hope it passes quickly for you and smoother sailing ahead.

Mom24 said...

We've all been there. He may be little, but that doesn't mean it's little problems.

I'm a great listener and only an email away...

That corgi :) said...

hugs to you; it is hard to be a parent; we always wonder and second guess and then when the kids grow up, then we continue to wonder and second guess. Just keep praying and trusting God and when you have a bad day, allow yourself a few tears, I think they can be healing.


Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Take it one hour at a time, sister. That's all you need to do.

Elaine A. said...

I've been going through some of this too, lately. I'm so sorry and yes, it is HARD some days. We do our best. Wishing I could hug you right now. And hoping today is better.

xoxo said...

It must be the weather. because my two have been at eachothers throats for days now. I blame the weather and hope it gets better soon.

lime said...

we all have bad days, we do. so when you have a bad day you then model how to handle it by taking responsibility and apologizing where necessary. you are by no means a failure, my dear. go back and read the posts about when your kids have done amazing things like insisting on giving charitable gifts at christmas, or brothers looking out for grace, or even shoveling lots of driveways. such great kids didn't happen by accident. they've been cultivated by a terrific mom. be gentle with yourself.

Dawn said...

Hugs to you Kat. We all have those days. Just last night, I went to sleep, praying for forgiveness for losing my temper with my family, wondering once again how I can start off the day with such good intentions, yet so quickly dissolve into chaos.

Verna Lantz said...

It is ok, we all have those days. If there is ever a mama who says she never reaches her breaking point, who never wants to walk away, she is either lying or not being a real mother to her kids.
Just breathe, take a bath, regroup, and start again tomorrow.
Just remember, it will be later soon.

Cyndy Newsome said...

I've been there.
I promise it gets better.
It's never going to be all sunshine and rainbows. Anyone who says it is, is full of crap.
But it really does get better.

Hilary said...

Bijoux and Lime could have written my comment for me. In fact they did. Enough said.. except for "this too shall pass."

Consider yourself cyber hugged.

April said...

Some days are DEFINITELY so much harder than others. You are doin a great job!! :-)

Lora said...

Been there. Done that. Got the bumper sticker. ;)

We all have those days! BIG hugs to you, and hope that tomorrow brings deep breaths, clarity, and peace.

My oldest son told me once I was the best Mom in the world because I always said I was sorry when I messed up. I still think about that when I have hard days, and I make sure my kids see that I am human, I get frustrated and mad like everyone else....but I can also always admit when I am wrong and say I am sorry, and let them know i WILL try better. Sometimes thats all we can do!

Kat said...

Thanks for all of your lovely comments. I appreciate them all.

And I completely agree with apologizing when I've done something wrong. I know my kids appreciate it.

Today was much better. MUCH better. Hence the sign that I added at the end of the post.

I just need to keep perspective and in the midst of it all sometimes that is hard. I think I'll just walk around with duct tape on my mouth, or lock myself in my bedroom, on the bad days and wait for them to pass. ;)

Thank again!

Annmarie Pipa said...

the last time I felt like that I went on strike. cooking no cleaning no rules of any kind...afetr 3 days they were begging for a return of mom rule!!!
good luck..

designHER Momma said...

The whole "big kids big problems" thing scares the crap out of me. Because I'm not doing too well with the little kid drama...

Friko said...

O come on, Kat, it’ll get easier, I promise you.
The time will come when you let it all just wash over you and you’ll laugh at how you worried in the early days.

Or maybe not, of course.

Kat said...

Friko- HAHA!! That made me laugh out loud! :)

Riahli said...

Oh wow I relate to this...
My stomach actually started to hurt when I was reading this, just because I have felt what you were describing and it hurts so bad. But you are right that we just have to keep our perspective. It gets better. :) {And then it gets worse, and then better and so on and so forth, ha ha!} Ahhhhh being a mom is so much fun! ;)

Wisconsin Girl said...

This is why I love reading your are so honest about the good AND the very hard parts of being a mom. Thanks for keeping it real!

Krystyn @ Really, Are You Serious? said...

I think (hope) we all go through this. In my mind it means we are doing okay. We are worried. We are scared and it's all terrible and wonderful. Right? Right?

I hope today was better. And I secretly hope this is as bad as it gets:)

Words To Live By

Be grateful for each new day.
A new day that you have never lived before.
Twenty-four new, fresh, unexplored hours to use usefully and profitably.
We can squander, neglect, or use them.
Life will be richer or poorer by the way we use today.
Finish every day and be done with it.
You have done what you could;
some blunders and absurdities crept in;
forget them as soon as you can.
Tomorrow is a new day.
You shall begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be
encumbered with your old nonsense.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson