Friday, January 20, 2012

Not Fair

Life.  Is not fair. 

As I'm basking in a post vacation appreciation for my family and my life in general other peoples' hopes and dreams are crashing around them. 

So many times I sat down at the computer to write about it but words fail me.

36 years old is just too young to die.

Tomorrow I will go to my friend's funeral.  Though I have not seen her in a couple of years I will always think of her as a close friend.  Steph and I were introduced in third grade and immediately liked each other.  When we found out we only lived two blocks from each other that friendship grew even more as we would run over to each other's houses every day.  The walks to and from school that I used to dread had become full of laughs and fun.  It was a beautiful friendship.  The kind of friendship that changes you.  Helps you become who you are.  I am forever indebted to her.

High school came and inevitably we went our separate ways as we discovered different interests.  Still, we were always happy to see each other.  Once in a while our group of five close girlfriends that we had in grade school would get together in our adulthood and marvel at where life had taken us all.  We really haven't been best friends since middle school but every time I saw Steph in recent years the bond was still right there.

While I was visiting my best friend, Sarah, in Oklahoma last week we talked about Steph.  We wondered how her health was holding up these days and hoped that no news was good news.  The night I got back from Oklahoma I had a dream about Steph.  In the dream she was tall and slender with long blond hair.  I marveled at how beautiful she was, her hair pulled back in a stunning ponytail.  She practically floated as she ran and danced around.  She looked better than I had ever seen her.  I was so happy.  Over and over again in my dream I said to myself,  "Yay!  She must be completely healthy again!  I am so happy for her!  She looks absolutely amazing!" as I watched her rejoicing.

I woke up from that dream a little worried.  I don't recall ever dreaming about Steph before and the fact that she looked so much like an angel in my dream made me wonder if she had passed away.  Two days later I got the message that she did pass away (the night I had the dream).  I don't know if that dream was God's way of comforting me.  I don't know if Steph was trying to tell me how happy she is now.  But I really feel it wasn't just a dream.  I think I should be happy for her.  But it is hard.

Steph was married to her dream man.  She had the family she has always wanted.  A 9 year old boy, a 6 year old girl, and a little 3 year old boy.  She was ecstatic about her life.  The only thing that keeps running through my head is that horrible scene in Terms of Endearment when the mother is saying goodbye to her children in the hospital.  Oh God.  How?  Why?

Steph kept telling everyone that God has a plan.  We may not know what it is, but God has a plan.  I know that is true.  But it sure is hard to accept. 

I also know that God didn't give Steph cancer.  I know that God does not bring bad things to us.  Bad things happen because this is an imperfect and sometimes really crappy world.  I know we are all here for a very short time.  But still.  I am just so sad. 

Please pray for Steph's beautiful family that God is there to comfort them and bring them peace.  Pray for Steph's husband that God gives him strength to get through and many shoulders to lean on when he needs them.  Pray for Steph's children to feel her near them all through their lives and always know her love for them.  Pray for Steph's mom who will be missing her best friend.  Pray for Steph's dad and brother who always admired and adored her.  And pray for all Steph's friends who feel the void. 

Pray.  That's all we can do.  Pray and hug our loved ones tight every chance we get.


Kelly said...

I lost a very close college friend of mine about 6 years ago. Her son was the same age as Drew. All I could think about was him growing up without his mommy. So unfair for those 3 kids to have to live with such a loss. I'm so sad to hear of your news--I'll be thinking of you and their family.

Kelly said...

Forgot to mention, that dream was amazing! I agree, it was much more than a dream!

DysFUNctional Mom said...

I kept getting chills reading this. Definitely more than 'just a dream'.
A couple of years ago I lost a friend to breast cancer. I had known her since kindergarten. You are right - it's just not fair.

Tabor said...

I am not a believer but a questioner of life's challenges but I do believe in the power of good wishes and thoughts and prayers to help others, and therefore, I do hope your friends family finds a peaceful way home.

Jeni said...

My condolences to you, Kat, in the steps of coping with the loss of a dear friend. When things like this -cancer in younger folks, especially those with children (and doubly hard when the children are that young) or accidents happen and a life is suddenly snatched from us, it can give us a tendency at times -or for a brief while -to think of God as being very unfair. But you are so right in you analysis that God does not bring these happenings to us but rather life does that. Like you, I will pray too that the family receives insight and support, especially of a spiritual nature, as they go through this loss.

Mom24 said...

Oh Kat. There just aren't words. I am so sorry for your friend's family and friends, including you. How sad. Yes, she's in a better place, but no, that's not as comforting as it *should* be, is it? Hang in there.

Rima said...

I'm so sorry Kat. You're right - it's just not fair.

maggie said...

Kat, I am so sorry. It's not fair. It's just not.

Wisconsin Girl said...

Oh how this hits home as I too had a very good friend that I've known since 1st grade pass away from breast cancer last year. A wonderful husband and 2 young children left behind. My heart aches and I often find myself close to tears when I try to make sense of it all. I am so sorry for your loss and send prayers for friends and family. I recently read "Heaven is for Real" and it made me feel a bit better, as I know SHE is in an amazing place, but it's hard for those of us who are left without her. That is quite an amazing dream you had...I too think it was her way of telling you she is okay.

Elaine A. said...

Wow, that dream is just amazing, I'm not sure how else to say it.

I'm SO very sorry for the loss of your friend and for her family's loss as well. I surely do not understand why things like this happen. Prayers for peace, my friend.

Hilary said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, Kat. My best thoughts to you and to Steph's family. Hugs.

icedgurl said...

trekking your superb blog! keep blogging and inspiring people!


ROBIN said...

so sorry for your loss, and for the family as well.

lime said...

ok kat, i am so sorry to hear it. i do believe you were given a bit of comfort ahead of time and what a testimony that steph could continue to have faith that there is a plan in this. still such a terrible loss for family and friends. prayers and hugs.

Karen MEG said...

That is incredibly sad and not fair at all. My thoughts are with your friend's family.

Kelli @ writing the waves said...

I got goosebumps reading that. wow. She sounds like she was a beautiful person...and what a special friendship. I am so sorry for her sweet family - can't even imagine what they are going through right now. So sad...

Riahli said...

So sorry to hear this.

My husband's mother died of cancer and he was an adult and it's still hard. He was there when she passed and he says he felt her spirit leave.

I can't stop crying for her children and husband... I think about how hard it must be to leave your family behind on earth, to see their faces and know you are saying goodbye {for now} and it just breaks my heart.

They will be in our prayers.

JDaniel4's Mom said...

She sounds like an amazing lady. I am sending up prayers for her friends and family.

Krystyn @ Really, Are You Serious? said...

So very sorry to hear about this. Keeping her family in my prayers.

My cousin "visited" my mom the night she passed away. I really believe it happens.

imbeingheldhostage said...

:-( I think google ate my comment.

I am so sorry Kat!! I do believe in "visions" that come as dreams and hope Steph's eventually replaces the pain and injustice you are now feeling with peace and comfort. I really am so sorry.

Words To Live By

Be grateful for each new day.
A new day that you have never lived before.
Twenty-four new, fresh, unexplored hours to use usefully and profitably.
We can squander, neglect, or use them.
Life will be richer or poorer by the way we use today.
Finish every day and be done with it.
You have done what you could;
some blunders and absurdities crept in;
forget them as soon as you can.
Tomorrow is a new day.
You shall begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be
encumbered with your old nonsense.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson