Life. Is not fair.
As I'm basking in a post vacation appreciation for my family and my life in general other peoples' hopes and dreams are crashing around them.
So many times I sat down at the computer to write about it but words fail me.
36 years old is just too young to die.
Tomorrow I will go to my friend's funeral. Though I have not seen her in a couple of years I will always think of her as a close friend. Steph and I were introduced in third grade and immediately liked each other. When we found out we only lived two blocks from each other that friendship grew even more as we would run over to each other's houses every day. The walks to and from school that I used to dread had become full of laughs and fun. It was a beautiful friendship. The kind of friendship that changes you. Helps you become who you are. I am forever indebted to her.
High school came and inevitably we went our separate ways as we discovered different interests. Still, we were always happy to see each other. Once in a while our group of five close girlfriends that we had in grade school would get together in our adulthood and marvel at where life had taken us all. We really haven't been best friends since middle school but every time I saw Steph in recent years the bond was still right there.
While I was visiting my best friend, Sarah, in Oklahoma last week we talked about Steph. We wondered how her health was holding up these days and hoped that no news was good news. The night I got back from Oklahoma I had a dream about Steph. In the dream she was tall and slender with long blond hair. I marveled at how beautiful she was, her hair pulled back in a stunning ponytail. She practically floated as she ran and danced around. She looked better than I had ever seen her. I was so happy. Over and over again in my dream I said to myself, "Yay! She must be completely healthy again! I am so happy for her! She looks absolutely amazing!" as I watched her rejoicing.
I woke up from that dream a little worried. I don't recall ever dreaming about Steph before and the fact that she looked so much like an angel in my dream made me wonder if she had passed away. Two days later I got the message that she did pass away (the night I had the dream). I don't know if that dream was God's way of comforting me. I don't know if Steph was trying to tell me how happy she is now. But I really feel it wasn't just a dream. I think I should be happy for her. But it is hard.
Steph was married to her dream man. She had the family she has always wanted. A 9 year old boy, a 6 year old girl, and a little 3 year old boy. She was ecstatic about her life. The only thing that keeps running through my head is that horrible scene in Terms of Endearment when the mother is saying goodbye to her children in the hospital. Oh God. How? Why?
Steph kept telling everyone that God has a plan. We may not know what it is, but God has a plan. I know that is true. But it sure is hard to accept.
I also know that God didn't give Steph cancer. I know that God does not bring bad things to us. Bad things happen because this is an imperfect and sometimes really crappy world. I know we are all here for a very short time. But still. I am just so sad.
Please pray for Steph's beautiful family that God is there to comfort them and bring them peace. Pray for Steph's husband that God gives him strength to get through and many shoulders to lean on when he needs them. Pray for Steph's children to feel her near them all through their lives and always know her love for them. Pray for Steph's mom who will be missing her best friend. Pray for Steph's dad and brother who always admired and adored her. And pray for all Steph's friends who feel the void.
Pray. That's all we can do. Pray and hug our loved ones tight every chance we get.