Friday, February 3, 2012

Back

It's been a while.  I haven't written a post in longer than I had planned, but life got in the way.  In a good way.  I've been drinking it in. 

I guess it all started with my friend's funeral.  It was as devastating as you would imagine.  Her 9 year old son was brave and strong for his family as he got up and read the second reading at the mass.  I thought my heart was going to explode.  But even more painful was watching him walk behind his mother's casket, clinging to his father.  I think that may be ingrained in my memory for life. 

After the funeral I sat and spun for a while.  Meaning, I was a little morose and down for a bit.  The "why?" and the "how?" kept coming to my mind.  But you can only sit and spin for so long.  I had to snap out of it.  And if there is anything positive to come from something so horrendous it is that it really does make you want to appreciate what you have when you have it and to the very fullest.  Enjoy every moment.  And that is what I have been busy doing. 

Well, I have been enjoying as much as I could as a nasty cold blew through our household.  Todd was terribly sick for a week and I have been fighting it for almost that long as well.  But still, I've been enjoying.  Since my trip to Oklahoma and the funeral I feel like I have finally been seeing my life for what it is.  How lucky I am.  How much I've got.  It is overwhelming.  I've been soaking it all in as much as I can. 

Life is so short. And for so long I've been afraid of death.  Of stopping.  Ceasing.  I feel guilty even writing that down, but it is true.  Sometimes I wake in the middle of the night in a cold sweat just thinking about not being here.  Or anywhere.  Just ceasing to be.  Like I never even existed.  As a Christian, I feel guilty for having such thoughts.  I am supposed to have faith.  But these thoughts creep in.  I watch shows about life after death and they are somewhat comforting, and then these little terrors seep back into my head. 

But that dream I had.  It was just too real.  And too coincidental.  It gave me such peace.  Peace I was hoping to get from my dad after he passed.  A visit.  A confirmation.  But it never came.  Instead I found it from a grade school girlfriend that I hadn't spoken with in years.  Life is funny like that sometimes, I guess. 

And anyway, here I am.  Trying to live it up.  And enjoy.  And appreciate.  And do my best.  Be my best.  Spend a little less time on my computer and all my time on what matters to me.  Whether it is making cookies with the kids, snuggling with the hubby, cooking dinner, reading all the books I've been meaning to read for so long, taking walks in the woods, taking a bath, I'm doing it all.  And I'm trying my best not to take it for granted.

10 comments:

Tonya said...

SO TRUE! It is sad when tragedy wakes us up. Glad you are enjoying life.

Naqvee said...

A young death that leaves umpteenth hearts pounding and missing them IN THIS WORLD after they are gone is so hard to imagine.

But God's treat cannot be missed and for sure DEATH is SWEETER THAN LIFE FOR THE BELIEVERS AND I TOO CAN'T WAIT SO LONG TO SEE MY LORD AND HIS GLORY.

lOVE NAQVEE

Naqvee said...

BUT AGAIN ITS GOD'S ASSIGNED TASK TO US TO WAKE UP EVERYDAY AND THANK HIM, ENJOY THE FUN AND FROLIC AND WHEN WE SLEEP SAY THANKS AGAIN FOR WHATEVER GOD GAVE US THAT DAY. ENJOY YOUR LIFE AND MAKE YOUR PRESENCE LOVABLE.

The Laundress said...

I get it. I really do.
I haven't blogged in forever and I'm just starting up again. Too busy living.

I've seen many friends my age pass in the past year and it is frightening. I do also think about not being here anymore. Its a sickening fear. It paralyzes me sometimes.

I do get what you are saying. Thank you for saying it so eloquently.

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend.

Jeni said...

I think sometimes our lives get so busy with all the many things that we have to do that we forget about living our lives to the fullest -which means simply appreciating our lives, our families, friends, work -you name it. And then, a wake-up call comes to us, if we are lucky, and we see what is needed then to really live, love and appreciate all that we have -even the not so nice things that interfere from time to time. Peace, Kat!

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Death makes life more precious.
Sorry about your friend. I get it--feeling the pressure to savor the days we have in this lifetime.

nbrsspot.blogspot.com said...

We all seem to take life for granted until we see stuff like this.. I hope you enjoy your family a bits. I know from hearing this I will try to do more for mine but with work, school and homework its hard but I am going to manage after reading this.

Elaine A. said...

That's the best we can do. Live life to the fullest while we are here to live it. I can imagine that you've been a little off since the funeral. Anyone would be. Glad to "hear" from you and that you are soaking up your precious family. xo

lime said...

you weren't sitting and spinning. you were mourning. be gentle with yourself. though i am glad you've found a measure of peace and that the comfort you needed came, even if it wasn't in the way you expected.

Carol said...

I love your posts, Kat. You're so 'normal'....ya know? You have a way of expressing it so well. I'm so sorry you lost your friend. xoxox

Words To Live By

Be grateful for each new day.
A new day that you have never lived before.
Twenty-four new, fresh, unexplored hours to use usefully and profitably.
We can squander, neglect, or use them.
Life will be richer or poorer by the way we use today.
Finish every day and be done with it.
You have done what you could;
some blunders and absurdities crept in;
forget them as soon as you can.
Tomorrow is a new day.
You shall begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be
encumbered with your old nonsense.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson