Three boys. I never imagined it, but it was the most amazing surprise.
I think finally having a girl made me even more awed by and thankful for my boys. Is that possible? I think so. And I mean it in the nicest way possible. It's hard to explain.
Before I had my girl I pictured myself as a mom with three boys. I would watch them follow their daddy and take interest in every little thing he did. Todd's little shadows. These little men, so different than what I knew before. They were a mystery to me. I felt a little left out at times. Now I have a little one following me around, watching my every move, and it helps me to appreciate the connection my boys have with Todd on a different level. And it also helps me see the unbelievably deep connection I have with each of the boys too. Having my girl now enables me to see how truly wonderful having boys is. Don't get me wrong. I love my girl. You all know that. She is my soul mate. She completes me. I've dreamed of her all my life. Without her, I just don't know. But these boys. They love me so completely. And without condition. It is unlike anything I've known before. And now having my girl in the picture allows me to sit back and really drink in these wonderful little men that surround me.
At the end of the night I have these three boys piling on top of me. The four of us sitting in the recliner. All of them telling me I'm beautiful. I'm "the best mommy" they've ever had. The most beautiful lady they've ever seen. Their love and devotion to me is unfathomable. All the times I think back and remember how I've failed them. How I could have done better. How I know they deserve more. And yet, they love me like this. These boys of mine. So protective. So forgiving. So unconditional. How do I deserve this? "Somewhere in my youth, or childhood, I must have done something good."
Surrounded by these fantastic little men and a fabulous little lady. Never in my wildest dreams did I see this coming. Yet here I am.
Grace comes trouncing over to the recliner that is already overflowing with mommy and boys and insists on joining us. I fear the chair may break, but we help her to climb up with us anyway. The boys get frustrated as elbows and knees jab here and there and one by one they slide off onto the floor. Soon it is just Grace and I on the chair. I think this was her intention all along. She takes her sweaty little hands and places them on my face and yells, "Lemme kiss or cheeks!" and lays a big, wet smooch on me. Then she looks deep in my eyes and whispers to me, "You are da mos pecious mumma, eber!"
Tommy cries when he remembers I am going on a trip and will be gone for a few days. It takes me aback because he is the biggest daddy's boy of them all and I know he will relish the alone time with Todd. Still, he is the one throwing fits, begging me to stay. He wants me here and wrote me a letter while he was in school telling me how he will miss me. I wonder why he loves me so when I look back on my nagging, crazy, nonstop mothering. But he loves me.
I don't dare tell Grace I am leaving. She doesn't even like me to run out and get the mail without her. She is her mama's girl and I fear how this trip will affect her. Deep down, I know she will be okay. My girl. And my boys. I never imagined I would be this lucky They love me. Unconditionally. And sometimes, undeservedly. But they love me. And it makes me want to stay...