Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Just Write- Leaving

It was never what I expected when I pictured being a mom.  Every one I knew had girls.  All my dolls growing up were girl dolls.  I babysat for girls.  My sister had three girls.  I never imagined boys in the picture for me.  Then one after another, boy, boy, boy. 

Three boys.  I never imagined it, but it was the most amazing surprise. 

I think finally having a girl made me even more awed by and thankful for my boys.  Is that possible?  I think so.  And I mean it in the nicest way possible.  It's hard to explain.

Before I had my girl I pictured myself as a mom with three boys.  I would watch them follow their daddy and take interest in every little thing he did.  Todd's little shadows.  These little men, so different than what I knew before.  They were a mystery to me.  I felt a little left out at times.  Now I have a little one following me around, watching my every move, and it helps me to appreciate the connection my boys have with Todd on a different level.  And it also helps me see the unbelievably deep connection I have with each of the boys too.  Having my girl now enables me to see how truly wonderful having boys is.  Don't get me wrong.  I love my girl.  You all know that.  She is my soul mate.  She completes me.  I've dreamed of her all my life. Without her, I just don't know.  But these boys.  They love me so completely.  And without condition.  It is unlike anything I've known before.  And now having my girl in the picture allows me to sit back and really drink in these wonderful little men that surround me.

At the end of the night I have these three boys piling on top of me.  The four of us sitting in the recliner.  All of them telling me I'm beautiful.  I'm "the best mommy" they've ever had.  The most beautiful lady they've ever seen.  Their love and devotion to me is unfathomable.  All the times I think back and remember how I've failed them.  How I could have done better.  How I know they deserve more. And yet, they love me like this.  These boys of mine.  So protective.  So forgiving.  So unconditional.  How do I deserve this?  "Somewhere in my youth, or childhood, I must have done something good."

Surrounded by these fantastic little men and a fabulous little lady.  Never in my wildest dreams did I see this coming.  Yet here I am. 

Grace comes trouncing over to the recliner that is already overflowing with mommy and boys and insists on joining us.  I fear the chair may break, but we help her to climb up with us anyway.  The boys get frustrated as elbows and knees jab here and there and one by one they slide off onto the floor.  Soon it is just Grace and I on the chair.  I think this was her intention all along.  She takes her sweaty little hands and places them on my face and yells, "Lemme kiss or cheeks!" and lays a big, wet smooch on me.  Then she looks deep in my eyes and whispers to me, "You are da mos pecious mumma, eber!"

Tommy cries when he remembers I am going on a trip and will be gone for a few days.  It takes me aback because he is the biggest daddy's boy of them all and I know he will relish the alone time with Todd.  Still, he is the one throwing fits, begging me to stay. He wants me here and wrote me a letter while he was in school telling me how he will miss me.  I wonder why he loves me so when I look back on my nagging, crazy, nonstop mothering.  But he loves me.

I don't dare tell Grace I am leaving.   She doesn't even like me to run out and get the mail without her.  She is her mama's girl and I fear how this trip will affect her.  Deep down, I know she will be okay.  My girl.  And my boys.  I never imagined I would be this lucky  They love me.  Unconditionally.  And sometimes, undeservedly.  But they love me.  And it makes me want to stay...

(Realize that I was supposed to link up on Tuesday for Just Write but I didn't make it in time.  I wrote it late on Tuesday night, so that should count for something.  Either way, this is my Just Write post, a day late.)


Elaine A. said...

I'll think I'll never know what I've done to deserve all my children'ts love. But then I think of my own mother and all she did for me when I was growing up and I kinda get it. ;)

The fact that Tommy wrote you a letter is so sweet. And I love that you all pile on the recliner together!

Kristen said...

That was beautiful friend! Isn't it wonderful how much they love us? I also hear the "your the best mommy ever". :)

I have missed you and your adorable family. And glad to hear that you are getting a weekend to yourself. You deserve this and the kids will be totally fine! Think of how exciting your return will be! I remember leaving our kids when they were 1 and 2 and going to San Francisco. While it was hard, (and I too was scared of flying, driving, walking across the street, etc) it was so worth it. Enjoy every moment friend!!!!

So good to hear from you! Sorry my blog hasn't been letting you comment. I need to get back on that thing myself. :)

Happy weekend friend!!!!!

Kelly said...

What a beautiful post. You know I can identify with the 3 boys part. They make me feel so special being "their" girl and I know they love their mama. I hate to say it but I know I'll be jealous when someday they fall in love and I won't be their #1 girl anymore. :(

Mom24 said...

Beautiful Kat. I feel so blessed to have both as well. I love my girls, but there is something about the relationship with my boys. I think it might be because for me, it's so unexpected, their love and devotion, a love I could never be a good enough mom to deserve.

I hope you have a wonderful trip and come back refreshed and ready to be followed around and clung to even more, at least for a few days.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Oh, I'm so glad you have a daughter!

Wisconsin Girl said...

I totally get the boy connection and love this post. I have such a strong connection with my son that I couldn't imagine having girls...then I had two girls:) And the connection is great with them too...just different. And I so agree with their unconditional love. We can have a terrible, no good, very bad day and my son will give me a hug and tell me I'm the best mom ever when he goes to bed. So much love when I don't always feel it is deserved, but it is what gets me through and keeps me focused. Thanks for your thoughts and have a wonderful trip!

lime said...

sons and daughters are different creatures entirely and each is wonderful in their own way. this is such a lovely piece celebrating that.

Rima said...

It's so hard to articulate that amazing little boy love, but you did a good job!

I often feel that I don't deserve my childrens' unconditional love, as well. They are the best gift I could have asked for, and I don't use terms like that lightly!

imbeingheldhostage said...

What a beautiful post! You made me weepy. I'm going upstairs to cuddle my boys now :)

Jeni said...

We had a small incident here this past Monday when I had a doctor's appointment and then, did a bit of shopping afterward. All that made me not home by the time the grandkids got home from school. It's never been a problem before if I wasn't here but this week, Maya got really upset and began asking her Mom tons of questions as to my whereabouts -very worried, she was. Kind of nice to hear about it when I got home but she about drove her poor Mom over the edge because when she gets upset like that, it means she is obsessing about it and the obsessions can be really hard to cope with at times. Finally figured out the background issue for her stemmed from the fact that in school, in her class, they are currently learning about "Stranger Danger" and stuff like that and she was unable to separate it all.
Hope you enjoy your time away and get back home relaxed, rested and safe and sound!

historygirl said...

Having two girls was wonderful...I love it. But when my boy arrived in October...well....I pretty much just handed my heart over to him. It will be hard day for me when he marries his bride....I'll actually have to share him. :)

I'm getting all weepy thinking about this and the boy is only 3 months old!

painted maypole said...

you're going on a trip? where? hopefully somewhere fun and fabulous!

your time away will make you appreciate them even more. :)

Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog said...

I am so grateful to have both boys and a girl, too. Love what Grace tells you!

Karen Deborah said...

of course they don't want you to go--but you are going to go and you will have fun and it'll be so great to come back. Get them each a present. Tell them your going to come back again and bring special presents. Tell them their time with Daddy is going to be so great and you'll be back really fast. Take the attention off of leaving and put it on returning for both them and YOU. You've just about talked yourself out of going and you really do need a break. You won't yell as much after a break you'll be more relaxed. You can do this!!!

Words To Live By

Be grateful for each new day.
A new day that you have never lived before.
Twenty-four new, fresh, unexplored hours to use usefully and profitably.
We can squander, neglect, or use them.
Life will be richer or poorer by the way we use today.
Finish every day and be done with it.
You have done what you could;
some blunders and absurdities crept in;
forget them as soon as you can.
Tomorrow is a new day.
You shall begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be
encumbered with your old nonsense.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson