I am not even remotely close to the tragedy in Connecticut, I don't know anyone who had a child at the school or worked there. I don't even know anyone who lives in the area. But I am affected.
I am on edge. I am snapping and grouching at the slightest offenses. I have this anger. I'm just angry.
And when I'm not angry I'm sad. I cry at the drop of a hat.
All day long I've been running around buying kris kringle gifts, treats for parties, gag gifts for our traditional Christmas dice game, and extra wrapping paper. I spent hours upon hours wrapping gifts, begrudging every minute of it. My heart just wasn't in it.
It is a guilty feeling that sits in the pit of my stomach. Here I am going on with my daily life while others are suffering the greatest loss of their lives. It is so unfair. Planning parties, and Christmas concerts, and plays, while others are fighting to remind themselves to breath in and out.
This tragedy brings all the world's suffering into such focus. There are people suffering every day, even those who were not involved in the massacre in Connecticut. Suffering is everywhere.
Tonight we took the kids to see Santa. Further down the very long line I caught a glimpse of my friend's husband with his three children. A lump immediately formed in my throat as I was just thinking about him and how he was doing this first Christmas without her. Last year she was the one who dressed them all in their fanciest clothes, fixed their daughter's hair perfectly, and together as a family of 5 they went off to get their annual picture with Santa. This year, in their regular clothes, they stood as a family of four.
It is not fair that my life is going on, business as usual, as others are struggling to make it from day to day. And then I have the gall to be grumpy too yet.
I wasn't even going to write about it. I'm trying not to even think about it. But there it is. It sits in the back of my mind constantly. It has left a mark.
We have all been affected.