Saturday, May 8, 2010

Going Through The Motions

It has been almost two weeks and I am just now beginning to dig myself out of the massive amounts of Kleenex that have been waded up and tossed all over my house, casualties of Grace's nose. The poor girl has had a peach of a cold and I feel like all I have done for the past 10 days is wipe her nose, suction out her nose, and then wipe her nose again. Poor little dear. It has been a tough week.

The week was made even tougher by my self loathing and general grumpiness. I have been feeling so out of sorts. Not necessarily depressed, or sad, or mad, or frustrated, or happy, or excited, or ANYTHING. I've just sort of been here. Going through the motions. It's been very strange.

I thought perhaps if I threw myself into working out and eating right that I would start feeling better about myself. I was meticulous in counting my calories and did not splurge once. I was my own Drill Sargeant as I pushed myself further and further in my runs. On the days I didn't run I would have Jillian as my replacement Drill Sargeant in the 30 Day Shred. I thought that seeing the fruits of my labor at the end of the week would definitely get me out of my slump. And then I jumped on the scale this morning and found that I had not lost ONE POUND. Not. One. Pound.

It did not help my mood.

It does not make sense. I went above and beyond. I just don't get it. But I guess I just have to live with these last 15 pounds until I am done breastfeeding and then I can worry about how to get rid of it. I don't want to go so crazy that I am not getting enough calories to have good, healthy breastmilk. That is what is important.

But, it still pees me off. Big time.

I am sick of feeling like I was in someone else's body. Sick of not fitting into any of my clothes. Sick of trying to find time to work out and stressing over eating right only to have ZERO affect on the scale. It is FRUSTRATING.

This afternoon Todd suggested that maybe I should just get out of the house for a while. Maybe even go shopping and get new clothes that fit me for the time being. I didn't want to buy new clothes because that just feels like I'm giving up but after thinking about it I had to admit that having a pair of jeans that fit did sound appealing. So off I went. Shopping. ALL BY MYSELF! And when I got to my favorite store (that I hadn't been able to shop at in almost two years) I ended up getting a pair of jean 3 sizes smaller than I thought I was. It was a welcome surprise.

It is amazing what a few hours to myself can do. I felt so refreshed and rejuvinated when I got back home and I've been feeling more like myself too. I hope I can hang on to this feeling and not fall back into my slump. Life is too short to be going through the motions and not catching all the moments.


Cheri @ Blog This Mom!® said...

It is amazing what a little rest will do for your spirits. I'm glad you had a lift today!

Happy Mother's Day!

Tonya said...

we've all had days/weeks like that! Happy Mother's Day!

Karen Deborah said...

Very wise husband! Kat you do look good, better than good, great! You have had 4 babies and you are a woman now. When you look at yourself in your new jeans don't you look pretty? I think your beautiful. Buy a few more things and just keep on exercising for health. Eat for health, and enjoy enjoy enjoy your young family. Forget the past and press on to the future. Have a very blessed and joyful mothers day! And bravo to your man!

Jeni said...

I can relate to the weight loss frustration when you don't see pounds coming off very much via the scale readings. Can I ever! I've lost a mere 16 pounds since DECEMBER in 4 months, 4 pounds each month! And what really sucks is 3 of them went missing last weekend after a nasty issue that landed me in the hospital for 3 days! But ya know, I'm wondering if maybe your exercise program is re-arranging things and not discarding them? To drop 3 sizes isn't a bad deal at all! I'd welcome that as much as the loss of the actual poundage! Plus, when dieting/exercising, sometimes we just reach a plateau and stay there awhile too so don't give up the race and the challenge but do take heart in the changing sizes!

Hilary said...

Go easy on yourself, Kat. You've sheltered and birthed four precious people. Your body is entitled to do what it wants for a little while. You're young and those pounds will come off easily enough when necessary.

Happy Mother's Day. :)

Riahli said...

I am right there with you girl...I think it's just hard for a while after having babies...but you are right the breast milk being healthy is so much more important! I am glad you got some time for your self AND some awesome jeans. :) I've been taking time for myself for the first time in years. Years. And I have to say, IT FEELS GOOD. Even if I do feel a little guilty about it some times, it's refreshing to just get a break,even if it's only for a moment. It's hard being a mommy...especially a great one like you. :) Happy Mothers day.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Your husband is a wise man....I'm glad you went out and pampered yourself a little. Us moms are SO hard on ourselves. I never shed that last 10 until I was done nursing and by the third kid I knew it and accepted that I was a little heavy, but your perspective is right. It's for your sweet baby girl! Bet it slides right off when she's on other food.

Krystyn said...

I know what you mean..the funk. It's just there when you have so many responsibilities and people that need you. Hopefully, you can get away for a while.

And, the Shred. I think I might have lost like 5 pounds total. But, I am firmer and stronger maybe that can be your motivation?

Dianna said...

I know how you feel. I could have written this 4yrs ago word for word. Living in someone else's body is the perfect description.

Hope your still feeling sun~shiney*!*

Words To Live By

Be grateful for each new day.
A new day that you have never lived before.
Twenty-four new, fresh, unexplored hours to use usefully and profitably.
We can squander, neglect, or use them.
Life will be richer or poorer by the way we use today.
Finish every day and be done with it.
You have done what you could;
some blunders and absurdities crept in;
forget them as soon as you can.
Tomorrow is a new day.
You shall begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be
encumbered with your old nonsense.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson