It has been almost two weeks and I am just now beginning to dig myself out of the massive amounts of Kleenex that have been waded up and tossed all over my house, casualties of Grace's nose. The poor girl has had a peach of a cold and I feel like all I have done for the past 10 days is wipe her nose, suction out her nose, and then wipe her nose again. Poor little dear. It has been a tough week.
The week was made even tougher by my self loathing and general grumpiness. I have been feeling so out of sorts. Not necessarily depressed, or sad, or mad, or frustrated, or happy, or excited, or ANYTHING. I've just sort of been here. Going through the motions. It's been very strange.
I thought perhaps if I threw myself into working out and eating right that I would start feeling better about myself. I was meticulous in counting my calories and did not splurge once. I was my own Drill Sargeant as I pushed myself further and further in my runs. On the days I didn't run I would have Jillian as my replacement Drill Sargeant in the 30 Day Shred. I thought that seeing the fruits of my labor at the end of the week would definitely get me out of my slump. And then I jumped on the scale this morning and found that I had not lost ONE POUND. Not. One. Pound.
It did not help my mood.
It does not make sense. I went above and beyond. I just don't get it. But I guess I just have to live with these last 15 pounds until I am done breastfeeding and then I can worry about how to get rid of it. I don't want to go so crazy that I am not getting enough calories to have good, healthy breastmilk. That is what is important.
But, it still pees me off. Big time.
I am sick of feeling like I was in someone else's body. Sick of not fitting into any of my clothes. Sick of trying to find time to work out and stressing over eating right only to have ZERO affect on the scale. It is FRUSTRATING.
This afternoon Todd suggested that maybe I should just get out of the house for a while. Maybe even go shopping and get new clothes that fit me for the time being. I didn't want to buy new clothes because that just feels like I'm giving up but after thinking about it I had to admit that having a pair of jeans that fit did sound appealing. So off I went. Shopping. ALL BY MYSELF! And when I got to my favorite store (that I hadn't been able to shop at in almost two years) I ended up getting a pair of jean 3 sizes smaller than I thought I was. It was a welcome surprise.
It is amazing what a few hours to myself can do. I felt so refreshed and rejuvinated when I got back home and I've been feeling more like myself too. I hope I can hang on to this feeling and not fall back into my slump. Life is too short to be going through the motions and not catching all the moments.