It wasn't how I pictured it. I was nervous. I was nervous and excited. I held my breath as my eyes traced up your perfect spine to your beautiful little head. You were moving and jumping all over. You never sat still long enough for me to count your miniature fingers and toes. It looked like you were practicing your yoga moves and I tried to stifle my laughs as the sonographer moved her magic wand over my belly. She was quick to tell me that all your parts and pieces were working perfectly, and you looked as healthy as can be. I was flooded with relief and could finally exhale.
Then she told me what I thought I would never hear. "It's a girl!"
I always thought those words would cause a strong reaction on my part. I'd thought about hearing those words for so long that I was sure I would break down in tears if I ever actually heard them spoken. But I didn't. Part of me thought the tears would betray my undying, undeniable, unbelieveable love for my boys. And part of me didn't actually believe "It's a girl!"I spent the next 6 months trying to make myself believe those words. Trust those words. Yet every time I bought a sweet pink outfit I kept the receipt. And everytime I would tell someone, "It's a girl", I always followed it up with, "But I'll believe it when I see it."
This morning I held you on my lap. We were both drenched in the sunlight that was pouring in through the patio doors. I bounced you up and down on my knees and you laughed and threw yourself to me. Your sweaty, little hands grabbed at my face and you nuzzled your head into my neck, smothering me with kisses. Over and over again we repeated this scene. Both of us hungry for more hugs, more raspberries, more tickles, and more kisses.
When we finished our silly routine we snuggled on the couch, you nestled in the crook of my arm. You reached your arm up and grabbed my chin. I looked down at you and smiled and you smiled right back. Happy to know I was happy too.
It has been a year since I first heard those magical words. A whole year of wanting to believe, learning to believe, and believing. "It's a girl."