Friday, August 31, 2012

Not Happy

I'm not happy.  Most parents are pretty freaking ecstatic right about now.  Me?  I'm not happy.

I don't want school to start.  I feel like stomping my feet on the floor, crossing my arms over my chest yelling, "Hell no, we won't go!"

I'm a freak.  I know.

It feels like the beginning of the end.  Dramatic much?  Perhaps.  But that is how I feel.

This is the first year that all of my kids will be in school.   For the past ten years I've never not had a little buddy with me at home.  A little shadow following me around (here comes the lump in my throat again).  A little partner for every car ride, trip to the grocery store, or errand run.  Oh sure, Ben is only in half day kindergarten and Grace is just in school for a few hours three mornings a week but still.  The beginning of the end.

You see, I like these little people of mine.  Of course they drive me crazy and make me want to pull my hair out of my head 20 times a day, but my days are still better with them than without them.  I like 'em.  I want to freeze time right now and live this life in slow motion.

Don't get me wrong, I can use these few hours here and there to get things done.  The time won't be wasted.  And I have big plans for when the kids are older that involve me going back to school and becoming a nurse as I'd always planned.  There are things to look forward to.  But.  Well.  I just don't want to be there already.  I want to be here.  I want this to stay.  I don't want things to change.

And yet, they do.  Every day.

Once school starts time seems to gain momentum.  Faster and faster and faster it goes as I stumble and run to keep up.  Hang on.  Hold on.  Remember.

My little people are all excited.  Thrilled to be starting new adventures, learning, growing.  I won't ruin their fun.  I'll clap and cheer and jump up and down and they'll never know I'm holding my breath and swallowing down the empty in my chest.  I'll be a fabulous actress.  'Cause that's what we do.  We give them wings so they can fly.  And though they may be too young to fly far just yet, it is the beginning (of the end).

PhotoStory Friday


Hilary said...

I remember that feeling well. The year that Alex (my younger one) would have started junior kindergarten, there were budget cuts and he had to wait one year to start school in senior K instead. I was ecstatic! I felt the same way you do. But trust me.. you'll get over it. ;)

Suldog said...

You are a sane parent. You love your kids.

I have never understood the parents who say, "I can't wait for school to start!" Why in hell did you have kids if you can't wait for them to be out of the house?

Thank you for being one of the very very good ones!

Mom24 said...

You are so wise. It's definitely a beginning and an ending, and for those of us who dedicate our lives to our families, it can be hard. (((Hugs)))

Amy said...

Thank you for this post. I was beginning to feel like the only mother that doesn't want school to start. I completely get what you are saying! My situation is a bit different mine started kindergarten, and I have a 6 month old still home with me so I'm not completely alone, but I get it. We are in week two of school, and I still miss my big guy. I said the same thing that I heard once they start school time really starts to fly by. As if it isn't going fast enough already!

lime said...

you're a good mama. and transitions like this remind us that the kids are growing up. heck, i only have one LEFT in school and only that for 2 more years. and here's me wishing for the days when i could go be a volunteer in their classes/schools and hear about all the fun they were having and things they were learning. i do hope they have good school years and you manage to endure it. you will. hugs.

Karen Deborah said...

Mothers are the best teachers you have the heart of a homeschooler.
Do you know anyone out there that home schools? It is soooooo fun!!!
You get to pick what you want to do and go on field trips and do art and read and write and learn. It is a blast really. You really don't have to send them away. There are groups for social activities usually at churches.
If you want me to tell you about it I will. I homeschooled my grand daughters and it was the best years of my life. The kids excell too. Google it.

Riahli said...

I understand completely! I can hardly imagine my kids going off to school, I'd be such a freak about it. Although some times I fantasize about all the things I would get done if they went to school, ha ha! {Or if I'm being honest I fantasize about taking a nap...} So many people seem puzzled by why I would want my kids around all day, but I really do just love spending time with them, even though they often drive me crazy. ;) Sigh... Time really does fly by. Love that picture, so adorable!

Kat said...

Karen- I've thought about home schooling the kids, but they really do love their school so much. They look forward to it. And I really love it too. It is a fabulous parochial school with great teachers and students. It is just the gradual letting go that you do as a parent. I guess I might as well get used to it now. I just don't have to like it. ;)

Lindsay Y. said...

I'm half with you and half not. I don't want this time to end, despite the craziness that abounds here, too....but I will say I am SO looking forward to school starting this year!! I need a schedule and I need less opinions flying through my house through the day for just a while. I blame moving for this feeling, but I am SO ready....and if I'm honest, I think they are a tad sick of me, too. So it'll be good. You're going to love your "free" time though - get stuff done and enjoy the kids just THAT much more when they return from school each day. :-)

May said...

With each new life stage this is just how I felt. There is nothing I love more than building my family along with my husband. My kids are 22,19 and 18 now. It has gone too fast, but I have loved every minute of it.

Anonymous said...

I SO feel ya on this one. I wish I could have frozen time a few years back too. This year marked a huge new step for our family, one we really weren't prepared for... one we thought we had one more year to get ready for.... but sometimes those wings spread fast and they are ready to fly before we are ready for it! Our oldest moved out. said...

we home school for our own reasons but i know what you mean. its difficult to let the girls go out of my site for more than a few days. they were at his moms house for two weeks in July and it hurt so bad..

Becca said...

In my opinion, home schooling is case to case basis.And I am not agree home schooling a kid for no big reasons. Schooling has a big part for childs development.

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Karen MEG said...

I felt the same when my little one was starting school-it was the beginning of a new transition for me as well as it's now almost 3 years since I've been back to full time work. Very hard to believe-and also hard to believe that Grace is starting school too!
I'm not looking forward to school to be honest I'm a little nervous. Don't know why, as the kids are excited. But I'm a little anxious about what Grade 7 (7!!!!) will bring.
Good luck tomorrow!

Lisa said...

I'm in the same boat. And I miss them so! It's a very strange place to be in. I'd never thought of it as the beginning of the end though.....that might just make me cry ;) I hope they're all off to a good start & like their teachers!

Karen Deborah said...

wow a lot of commentary. Kat what you capture so well is a mothers heart of love. if your children go to a great school or homeschool they will be fine because they have two parents who really love them and are committed to their well being. i mentioned the home schooling because you would be great at it and also because i loved it so much.
what makes you special is that you REALIZE how precious the time is while your in it instead of when it's over. most of us have hindsight but you operate in present sight. why don't you submit writing for publication?
maybe one of things you could do 9like you don't have enough already0 is write some articles for some magazines?

Words To Live By

Be grateful for each new day.
A new day that you have never lived before.
Twenty-four new, fresh, unexplored hours to use usefully and profitably.
We can squander, neglect, or use them.
Life will be richer or poorer by the way we use today.
Finish every day and be done with it.
You have done what you could;
some blunders and absurdities crept in;
forget them as soon as you can.
Tomorrow is a new day.
You shall begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be
encumbered with your old nonsense.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson