Thinking of Dad

Father's Day is quickly approaching and I have been thinking about my dad even more often than I usually do. Little things remind me of my dad daily. Funny things the kids say, the afternoon sunlight settling into the trees and flowers in golden sparkles, his wedding ring in my jewelry box and his laminated army license on my dresser. Seeing an older gentleman cruising down the road on a motorcycle I almost do a double take thinking it was my dad.

My dad has been gone for almost six years now but he is still all around me. He always will be. He will always be with me.

On our way up north my kids ooh and aah and point out the beautiful peachy sunset. They appreciate the rolling hills and the golden colors cast across the landscape. "You did that." I silently say to my dad. "You so appreciated and saw beauty in every little thing and you passed that on to your children and, in turn, your grandchildren. You did that. Thank you."

I watch as my boys grow to be capable outdoorsmen. They are already fine fisherman, great hikers, and are on their way to becoming confident hunters. I know my dad is bursting with pride at his grandsons. I know he is cheering them on at their basketball, baseball, and football games, and getting teary eyed watching them sing on stage just like he did when he would watch me sing on stage. What I would give to have him sit next to me and enjoy watching those boys together. It always struck me how all through his Alzheimer's he always knew the boys. He always got a kick out of those rambunctious boys.

And Grace. Oh Grace. I know dad never got to see Grace in this world but I am confident he was the first to meet her. I just know that they met as he was leaving this world and she was about to enter. I can picture him holding her, ever so carefully, and singing to her as he did to me as a child. I imagine he is thrilled at what a waterbug Grace is. How brave she is. How tough she is and how well she keeps up with her brothers, fishing and hiking with the best of them. And every time Grace has a stubborn, sassy moment I can see my dad chuckling. Oh how he loved his girls to be strong and tough and independent.

Oh how I wish he was still here. That I could hear his voice again. His laugh. That he could wrap me in his big strong arms and give me a hug. There is just so much of him that I miss.

My dad worked third shift in a factory for over 30 years to provide for his family of 8. He would walk to work every night. Sometimes he would ride his bike. We had one family car that he would NEVER take to work (even in a blizzard) in the off-chance that my mom might need it in the morning to take us kids to school. He found beauty in everyday things that most people didn't notice, making the ordinary extraordinary. He was a fierce protector of the underdog. He befriended all (except those SOBs that broke glass in the park and left it for innocent kids to step in). He was an avid outdoorsman and an inspired athlete. He was the life of the party, the ultimate comedian in his impersonations and jokes. He was an immensely talented singer (a crooner), a dancer, and a performer. He cut the grass, he grilled out, he fixed the fence (time and again- "stop climbing on the damn fence!"), he built a play tower, he took us camping, he killed the centipedes, he built the shed, he took us on motorcycle rides, he taught me how to change a tire and how to throw a spiral. I can remember how careful his giant hands were when he would gently wash my hair with my head hovering in the kitchen sink. When we were babies he rocked us, when we were scared he held us, when we were tired he carried us up to our beds. I remember faking sleep a number of times in my childhood just so he would carry me to bed. Not only did he tell us he loved us but he showed us as well. He was at every play, every concert, every game. He was always there. He was a constant. He would drop everything if we needed him. He thought my sarcasm was hilarious, he encouraged my spunk, he was proud of my independence. He told me I was beautiful and smart and even though I couldn't believe the words he said them with such conviction that I knew he believed and that meant everything to me. He taught me how to love God and how to put my trust in Him. My dad was far from perfect, he had flaws, he was human, he made mistakes. But my dad will always be my hero. I miss him more than I can say.

 Happy Father's Day, Daddy.

I love you and miss you.

A Step In The Right Direction

For the past few years Joey and Grace have had a tumultuous relationship. When Grace was tiny Joey was her biggest fan. Her big protector. Joey could not get enough of his baby sister and wanted to be around her all the time. The last few years, however, had seen a big shift. It was brought to my attention even more so when we were all recently watching some baby videos of the kiddos. I noticed how sweet and loving Joey was to Grace and I began to wonder when that all changed.

This past year it seems that Joey couldn't even be around Grace without losing his temper. Every thing Grace did or said made Joey upset and angry. It was pretty crazy to watch how constantly annoyed Joey always was with Grace. Watching the baby videos it was pretty heartbreaking to see such a huge shift.

I had brought it up to Joey many, many times. I asked him why she bothered him so much and the most he could come up with was that she just annoyed him so badly. I pointed out that his brothers do the same things that she does and it doesn't bother him nearly as much. Over and over again I would preach patience and kindness to Joey. I would tell him how it is hard for Grace to feel constantly left out of the boys' play and to be the youngest. I would tell Joey how much Grace looked up to him and how it would hurt her when he was mean. Joey would be upset with himself for how he acted and always felt badly about it. He would try for a while to do better but mostly he just tried avoiding her. Time and time again Joey would lose his temper with Grace over silly matters. It was ongoing and nasty. I was at my wits end trying to figure out how to improve their relationship.

After watching the baby videos I sat down and really thought about when the big shift occurred in the relationship. As I thought back the one time that constantly kept coming to mind was when Grace was around 2 years or 3 years old. Right around the time that Grace broke her leg. Oh my gosh! When Grace broke her leg!

It hit me like a bolt of lightening.

Joey harbored guilt and fear over Grace breaking her leg!

Of course as adults we all knew that it was an accident. Joey was on his bike and Grace went running out in front of him before he could stop. Joe ran into her and she broke her leg. That is pretty traumatic! And it didn't help that every time we had to explain what happened to people we would say that Joey and Grace collided when Joey was on his bike. That could definitely cause a child to harbor some bad feelings.

With my suspicions in hand I approached Joey. I asked him if perhaps he was always so mad at Grace because he still felt badly about the time she broke her leg. I explained that sometimes when we feel scared or guilty or sad it can come out as anger. I told him how we all knew it was an accident, and he definitely wasn't to blame, but maybe he blamed himself and it made him feel guilty and angry inside. I also told him that it had to be pretty traumatic and scary running into Grace. Feeling the bike hit her, and her going down, that had to be terrifying.

Joey nodded his head the whole time I was talking, his face very serious.

I told him over and over (as we had before) how no one blamed Joey for Grace's broken leg. I told him how people would often tell me that they felt as badly for Joey as they did for Grace because they knew that had to be difficult for him. I reminded him how Grace never blamed him and never held any bad feelings toward him about her broken leg.

Joe told me how scared he was when Grace broke her leg. He told me how badly he felt. He told me that when I took Grace to the hospital he thought dad was so mad the whole time. I explained that sometimes when someone is scared, as his dad was, it looks like anger but it isn't. I reminded him how many times his dad told Joey it wasn't his fault. Joey told me all the things he had been feeling about the accident that he never told me before. So many times after the accident I tried to get Joey to talk about it but he always shut down. He never wanted to talk about it before. Now it all just fell out of him.

When we finally cleared the air I was hopeful that unloading that burden would help Joey and Grace to have the close relationship that they once had before.

This was a few months ago and I'm happy to report that the difference has been night and day. Sure they still spat like normal siblings. Grace is still whiny and annoying at times and Joey is still quick tempered and preteen at times. However, they play together. Joey compliments Grace. Joey goes up to Grace at school and gives her a hug. He shares his toys with Grace and includes her in on the conversations and jokes.

Just this past weekend when we were up north Ben and Tommy decided to go out into the woods with Todd while Grace and Joey opted to stay back at the cabin with me. All day long Joey and Grace fished together.

Joey baited Grace's hook, cheered her on as she caught fish after fish, and got the fish off the hook for her as well.

He even went through his tackle box and gave her some of his first and favorite lures.

They decided to go fishing out on the paddle boat and  Joey helped Grace get her life jacket on too.

 They were out in the paddle boat for over an hour. They spent all day together. And they had fun. It was more than I'd ever expected.

Later on I told Joey how much it meant to me to see him teaching Grace and being patient and kind to her. He admitted that it was really fun and he had a great day with Grace. 

Of course, later that evening they still fought and got on each other's nerves but that was just silly sibling stuff. It seems to me that Joey and Grace are back on the right track. 

I really hope this is a fresh start. There is nothing more important than family and I so desperately want all of my kids to be close. I think we are headed in the right direction.

School's Out For Summer!

 It is the last day of the school year and I'm feeling that old familiar melancholy feeling.

(Left: 1st day of school/Right: Last day of school)

I am now officially the parent of a seventh grader, fifth grader, third grader, and a first grader. Wow. 

Grace's class had a lovely little graduation ceremony. It is silly how emotional it made me. I just can't believe she is now a 1st grader. Grace has had the same teacher for the last three years and she has been so lucky. What a fantastic teacher she is. I know Grace will miss her next year.

It has been a good year. A strong year of growth. Joey played tackle football for the first time, he received a nice basketball award, had a lead in the musical, and met his own personal goal by making the honor role. I am so proud of him. Tommy has learned to buckle down and focus and has pulled some good grades himself. He had an undefeated tackle football season, tried new things, and was on stage in a musical for the first time. Ben played his first year of football, showed that he is a math and spelling whiz, received his first reconciliation and his first communion, and won a few Boy Scout awards. Grace learned how to read, learned how to ride a two-wheel bike, read in front of the whole school for mass, and became more outgoing as a result of being at a different school for the first half of the year.

My kids have had a great year, all in all. I am so proud of each of them.

I hope we have a nice long summer together. Filled with fun and relaxation and adventures (and maybe not so much fighting, complaining, or whining).

She's A Biker Chic

Another major milestone. 

Another last first. 

Grace has learned to ride her bike. No more training wheels. No more being left in the dust by her big brothers. 

This past weekend Grace picked out a big girl bike, complete with tassels and a basket, and decided she was going to learn to ride.

The first day was iffy. We didn't have much time to practice (rain) and there was definitely a fear of falling and getting hurt, but progress was made.

This morning I ran out and got Grace some elbow and knee pads with matching biking gloves hoping that would give her the extra courage she needed. I picked Grace up from school, she ate her lunch quickly, and we went outside for our second biking lesson. This time it was a breeze. Grace had a brave, positive "can do" attitude and in no time she was riding on her own. I definitely got a good work out following after her. Grace got up a pretty good speed and I was no longer jogging next to her but sprinting. I guess I have a new buddy who can accompany me on my runs.

And she can already push off by herself and turn around in the culdesac without stopping which makes my job a whole lot easier. Success!

Grace was very excited to greet the boys on her bike when they got off the bus. She rode happily down the driveway and watched as their mouths dropped when she passed by them. They were so surprised at how quickly Grace took to her new bike.

As soon as the boys were done with their homework they were out the door to ready to ride with Grace.

The sunny 74 degree weather was an added bonus, of course.

Way to go, Gracie! I am so proud of your hard work, determination, and positive attitude.

Bravo, my little biker chic!

Gee, I'm Good At This

My throat is raw. Raw and sore.

I'm not getting a cold. I just nearly screamed my throat raw, is all.

Yeah. I'm a good mom. Yay me.

I don't know.

I go along so well for so long. Ignoring the eye rolls. Calmly correcting the sass and the backtalk. Listening patiently to the whining and carefully reminding them to speak in a normal speaking voice. I break up the fights. I help pick up the messes. I squash the drama and soothe the meltdowns.

But man, sometimes, sometimes I just can't do it anymore. Sometimes there is a final straw. Sometimes I am just so sick of being "MOM!!!!".

A nice thing to think the day after Mother's Day, isn't it?

Like I said, I'm good at this.

*sigh*

Part of me thinks, well good, they should know that they have crossed a line. Especially with the back talk and the sass.

But then another side of me thinks, well great, I was just a fabulous example of patience and calm and rationale, now wasn't I? Way to go, me!

And then another part, just as disturbing, thinks oh so what. So I yelled at them. Maybe the little turds deserved it. I was yelled at all the time as a kid, spanked a bunch too, and I'm not so bad. I'm not terribly messed up.

Maybe my nonchalance at screaming my throat raw is more disturbing than anything else. I don't know.

Or maybe I'm just too tired to think too much about it anymore. Maybe I'm a veteran mother at this point who knows that I will be a perfect mom never. A good mom most of the time. And a crappy mom once in a while. Hell, no one gets out of childhood (or parenthood) unscathed right? I'm doing the best I can. And that alone makes me a pretty good mom. I'm trying. I'm trying really hard.

Tomorrow there will be hugs in the morning. We will all apologize for our crazy behavior and we'll start anew. The kids will learn (once again) that their mommy has flaws, that she is a work in progress, that she apologizes when she is wrong, and that everyone has room to grow. And maybe in the process they'll also learn not to roll their eyes, talk back, turn their back, cop an attitude, interrupt, or raise their voices at their mom. Maybe.

I can hope.

It's Not A Holiday Until Someone Vomits

Why do all holidays end in vomit?

Oh, yours don't? Just mine?

Hmm...

The day was humming along so well, too.

The day began (far too early, but alas, I couldn't get back to sleep) with happy children piling cards and clever homemade gifts upon me. Todd bought me a beautiful water fountain that I had had my eye on for the back patio. I drank my coffee and had a good long time to sit back and relax into the morning.

We took my mother to an early lunch and had a lovely time laughing and telling stories. After lunch we went over to Todd's mom's house for a cookout. More food and relaxing.

When evening came I went to my brother's tattoo shop to have an addition to my tattoo done. I had been wanting this addition for quite some time and I finally was getting it done. Twelve years ago I got a butterfly tattoo (typical, I know, but I loved it). When I had kids I wanted to add them on as butterflies coming from my main butterfly.

So, off I went to see my brother.

We plotted out the design together and then got to work. Soon, Todd and the kids stopped in to watch too.

Before I knew it the tattoo was done.

I love it. The kids love it. Job well done.

Then we all went home, the kids took showers, Todd made a fire, and we all sat down to relax for a little while before bed. The kids went to bed with minimal hassle and I went downstairs to sit in front of the fire.

Suddenly I hear Grace screaming my name. Back upstairs I go and find that she has vomited all over her bed. ALL. OVER. HER. BED. It was quite a bit. Did I mention we ate a TON of food today? Cuz, yeah, we did.

I'm not sure why every holiday in our house has to end up with someone vomiting. I'm not sure why I'm even surprised when it happens anymore.

I went about cleaning up Grace, remaking her bed, and cleaning up the dirty bedsheets.

Now I sit and listen. And wait. It is the waiting game now. Will it happen again? Was it a fluke? Is she really sick? I don't know. And I imagine I will spend most of the night waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I suppose it is rather fitting that Mother's Day ends with me cleaning up my child's vomit, right? It makes sense. That's what I do. That's what I'm here for.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

All Is Well

I sit on the back patio contemplating more flowers, new cushions, and perhaps a small water fountain. I picture where I'll place the plants, what I'll use for the fairy house this year, perhaps new tiki torches. I plan out my eden. I dream and plot and soak in the warm sun.

I finally swapped cotton sheets for the flannel sheets that have been on the beds since fall. There are few chores I loathe as much as changing sheets on bunk beds, but I still couldn't be too upset since this was the spring swap and yet another sign of warmer temperatures. Each night as I slip into the crisp coolness of the sheets visions of summertime fun dance in my head.

Today, I washed all the screens and put them in the windows. Every single window in the house is open and the smell of freshly cut grass wafts throughout.

It is May and a sunny 74 degrees. I will not take that for granted. I sit outside as often as I can, which is not as often as I'd like.

I grab my book, sit on the back patio, and read and dream away my free time. The 20 minutes go quickly and soon the boys are bounding through the door home from school.

Though our extreme busyness has abated, somewhat, we are still in the midst of the end of school year mania. The kids all had their spring concert at school last night. It was funny and fun and high spirited. I truly enjoyed the evening.

This morning Grace's class had a little preMother's Day celebration. Muffins with Mom, they call it. Grace gave me her sweetly and tenderly made gifts and we enjoyed our muffins and juice together. Afterwards the whole school walked over to church to say the rosary together for the May Crowning celebration.

When that was done Grace got up in front of church and read two paragraphs about Mary. Quite a feat for my little kindegartener (especially with phrases like "Mary arranged some roses in Juan's tilma on Tepeyac Hill" in the reading). Last week when Grace's teacher sent the reading home Grace had a mini meltdown worrying about how she would be able to read so much in front of so many people. She practiced day and night and her hard work paid off. She did a wonderful job. She was so proud of herself. I was proud too.

Yes, the kids are barreling towards the end of the school year. Large last minute projects are being finished up and field trips are being taken. It is a lot to keep up with but at least I am not feeling as desperate as in years past. At least this year I am not the "world's worst end of school year mom" again. Yes, I am doing much better this year.

This weekend I have one last concert of the season. We've had three rehearsals this week, another tonight, and the concert is tomorrow. Then, and only then, will life begin to slowly slow down.

Or maybe not.

I have to chaperon a trip to the zoo on Monday. And there are projects due. And meetings. And helping out at school.

Perhaps in a month when school is out life will finally slow down.

Not that I'm complaining.

Life is good.

Life is as it should be.

All is well.