Monday, May 11, 2015

Gee, I'm Good At This

My throat is raw. Raw and sore.

I'm not getting a cold. I just nearly screamed my throat raw, is all.

Yeah. I'm a good mom. Yay me.

I don't know.

I go along so well for so long. Ignoring the eye rolls. Calmly correcting the sass and the backtalk. Listening patiently to the whining and carefully reminding them to speak in a normal speaking voice. I break up the fights. I help pick up the messes. I squash the drama and soothe the meltdowns.

But man, sometimes, sometimes I just can't do it anymore. Sometimes there is a final straw. Sometimes I am just so sick of being "MOM!!!!".

A nice thing to think the day after Mother's Day, isn't it?

Like I said, I'm good at this.


Part of me thinks, well good, they should know that they have crossed a line. Especially with the back talk and the sass.

But then another side of me thinks, well great, I was just a fabulous example of patience and calm and rationale, now wasn't I? Way to go, me!

And then another part, just as disturbing, thinks oh so what. So I yelled at them. Maybe the little turds deserved it. I was yelled at all the time as a kid, spanked a bunch too, and I'm not so bad. I'm not terribly messed up.

Maybe my nonchalance at screaming my throat raw is more disturbing than anything else. I don't know.

Or maybe I'm just too tired to think too much about it anymore. Maybe I'm a veteran mother at this point who knows that I will be a perfect mom never. A good mom most of the time. And a crappy mom once in a while. Hell, no one gets out of childhood (or parenthood) unscathed right? I'm doing the best I can. And that alone makes me a pretty good mom. I'm trying. I'm trying really hard.

Tomorrow there will be hugs in the morning. We will all apologize for our crazy behavior and we'll start anew. The kids will learn (once again) that their mommy has flaws, that she is a work in progress, that she apologizes when she is wrong, and that everyone has room to grow. And maybe in the process they'll also learn not to roll their eyes, talk back, turn their back, cop an attitude, interrupt, or raise their voices at their mom. Maybe.

I can hope.


betty said...

The ups and downs of motherhood, but deep down I know you are a GREAT mom! We all have those days though.......

tomorrow will be a better day!


Midlife Roadtripper said...

Good luck with that! Ha!

Truly, forgive yourself. You have a most difficult job and everyone always thinks it is so easy. That's because they don't do it. So, breathe in, breathe out. Realize you are entitled to your feelings whether they are the "right" ones or not.

And next year, tell your husband to take the kids away before you awake in the morning and don't come back til they are ready for bed. That - that stillness, silence, recapture of self, is what Mother's Day should be all about.

Or so I always thought how it should work. My brain is fried now after motherhood so I can't tell you if that ever happened or not. Sounds good though, huh?

Bijoux said...

I recommend this for your sore throat:

Kat said...

Bijoux- Those are hilarious!!! Thanks for the laugh. Awesome.

Betty & Midlife- I pat myself on the back that at least while I was yelling I didn't say anything mean. I was just telling them how disrespectful they have been lately and that I wasn't gonna put up with it anymore. See? Aren't I a good mom? HA!

blogoratti said...

Great quotes, best wishes with everything!

db said...

There is a quote "It doesn't matter how many times you get knocked down, but how many times you get up." Sure, kids learn from example -but by getting up and trying again, admitting that you have flaws (because hey, who doesn’t) is also going to stick with your kids forever. They will know you love them, that you try your hardest, and sometimes even the best lose their cool! But that's ok :) You are doing a great job.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I never met a kid who didn't need a mom to yell at them at least once. You're a great mom, Kat. When you get fed up (and I know I do, too!), it's good to let them know it LOUD AND CLEAR. If they don't hear you, how can they know and correct?

Wisconsin Girl said...

Once again, I appreciate your openness and honesty about the good days AND the not-so-good days. I can relate and am trying to be better about not being so hard on myself...that guilty feeling can really overshadow all of the love and good we do. I'm not so confident that the talk back and eye rolls will go away though:)

Riahli said...

Oh man I have days like this way too often… I could have written this post. Hugs!

I strongly feel it's the good moms that worry about this stuff. We are all human and we all have a breaking point. Yes I'm sure there is a better way, but some times it just doesn't happen. Being willing to acknowledge that you screwed up, and eventually when everyone has calmed down, apologize and talk it out. That is what matters the most. Your kids are amazing and will grow up to be amazing I'm sure! I think you just wore yourself out, and your kids were maybe feeling the same way, so none of you were at your best behavior. That's life.

Mary Gilmour said...

I yelled at my kids. I lost it more than once. They are now middle aged women who say that I was and am a great mom. And they are pretty terrific moms themselves. So, if you have a bad day, don't sweat it. The kids will probably not remember it. Mine have no recall of some of the rants I was least proud of but remember other things I never knew at the time.
You sound to me as if you rock as a mother, for sure.

Words To Live By

Be grateful for each new day.
A new day that you have never lived before.
Twenty-four new, fresh, unexplored hours to use usefully and profitably.
We can squander, neglect, or use them.
Life will be richer or poorer by the way we use today.
Finish every day and be done with it.
You have done what you could;
some blunders and absurdities crept in;
forget them as soon as you can.
Tomorrow is a new day.
You shall begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be
encumbered with your old nonsense.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson