Friday, July 12, 2013

Weird Stuff

I feel like I've been away for a long time.  The truth is I have had too much weird stuff floating around in my head to write about but here it comes.

I already wrote about my best friend and her family visiting and what a wonderful time we had together, but I omitted quite a bit of information from that post. The major event I left out was my mom's health emergency.

In the middle of the night (3 a.m. to be exact) I received a call from my brother that an ambulance was called for my mother.  Apparently, she had such horrible back and chest pain that she couldn't breath. She couldn't even move.  I, of course, threw on some clothes and rushed out the door and even beat the ambulance to the hospital. Not wanting to wait around I then drove to my mom's house and watched as the EMTs worked on my mom in the ambulance.  I followed them to the hospital and stayed with her in the ER.  Of course we all (doctors included) thought she was having a heart attack.  Bad news considering she had open heart surgery less than two hears ago and we recently found out that her replaced valve has not been doing as good a job as we hoped.

After a little wait we found out she was not having a heart attack.  The doctors then looked into a possible blood clot.  More waiting and we found out it wasn't that either.  After many hours in the hospital, tons of tests, and lots of anxiety, we found out that she had broken three vertebrae in her back. My mom has to take steroids for her cancer and a side affect is that it can make bones more brittle and the result this time was worn down vertebrae.  Luckily, it was a somewhat easy fix (injecting liquid cement onto the vertebrae) and she was released from the hospital a couple of days later.

All of this while I had five guests staying at my house.  There was a lot of back and forth to the hospital and very little sleep on my part.  The day my houseguests left I was able to take my mom home from the hospital and she has been doing fairly well.

However, it has kind of made me... searching for the right word here... cautious? Cynical?  A bit morbid, perhaps?

My mom is doing okay right now, but how long is this going to go on?  She has a terminal cancer. Granted, it is in remission (though Multiple Myeloma doesn't go into remission this is as close as she can get, she is doing so well), but the meds she is on take a toll.  She had to have open heart surgery to repair damage done by the cancer.  Now she had to have another procedure to repair what the meds for the cancer are doing to the rest of her body.  I'm just wondering how much more her body can handle.

I think about how my grandma died at 79.  My mom is going to be 74 in a few months and she has a serious illnesses (not that you could tell by looking at her- the woman walks miles everyday, volunteers for everything, is very active,  and still does all of her own yard work, etc.).  How much longer does she have?  Honestly, I am lucky I have had her these last 8 years as we were told she had no more than a few months when she was first diagnosed.  But, truthfully, that doesn't make me feel any better.  I can not imagine my mom not being here.  I can't even grasp that.

I also wonder how it feels.  How does it feel to be 75 or 80 and think, "Well, if all goes well I probably have 5 years or so left."  What does that feel like?

Dark thoughts.  They are in my head.

And I tried not to let it affect me but it did.  Our whole 4th of July (usually my favorite) just seemed off. I'm sure it was a combination of stress, lack of sleep, coming off of a great visit with friends, not feeling well physically, and Todd and I constantly butting heads (don't get me started on that one, it had been going on for far too long) but I just wasn't feeling it. I even stayed home while Todd took the kids up north for the weekend.  That is the first time I've done that in forever.  It turns out that was what Todd and I needed to get back on track.  Just a little separation. However, I still am in this weird place.

It is fitting that I took the opportunity while feeling weird to read Under The Dome by Stephen King.  A weird book, indeed.  I used to be a huge Stephen King fan but then drifted off for a long time.  This is the first King book I've read in a long time. It was great until the end.  The end was very, very lame.  So weak.  And that kind of stinks because when you read a 1074 page book you like the ending to be satisfying. But it wasn't.  So many parts of the book would get to me.  I'd lie awake at night and stew over the antagonist but I knew King would handle him in the end.  The antagonist always got their due in King's books.  But he didn't. Not enough to satisfy me, anyway. And it miffed me. I feel like I was just left hanging.

So, I continue to go on feeling weird.  Stephen King only made it worse. Imagine that.

I'm not sleeping at night.  And it is weird.  First, it was because I wasn't feeling well. But the past week I have been awoken from a deep sleep by a loud banging or smashing noise.  Around 2 in the morning every night for almost a week I have been jolted awake.  I don't know if it is my crazy dog banging into my table or chair next to me as she stretches out, or if I have a certifiable ghost that likes to wake me up. Either way, it is freaking me out and exhausting me.  It is LOUD, people. I mean loud! I can't believe the hubby can sleep through it.  He did wake up one time but that was because the bang was against the foot of the bed on his side (I'm almost certain that one was the dog's big block head hitting the bed as she got up).

Last night I was having a dream that I was getting my picture taken with Clay Matthews and Todd was getting his picture with Aaron Rodgers (seriously, the only way that dream could have gotten more Wisconsinite is if we were eating brats and cheese while drinking a  Miller Lite), and just as my mom was snapping my picture there was a big *SMASH* that sounded like the toilet seat had been slammed down.  I was jolted awake once again.  The only reasonable explanation is that my dog (she moves around a lot at night) went to lay back down in her bed and banged my chair against the wall as she did it.  But it didn't really sound like that.  Whatever.

Weird stuff.  I told you.

I'm tired.

Maybe some time up north hanging by the lake will help me shake this weirdness off. A light, funny book.  Fishing.  Bonfires.

And, hopefully when we go up north this weekend there won't be any crazy ghosts or clumsy, obnoxious Goldendoodles that like to wake me up.  I need some rest.

 Sweet pictures help to shake the weirdness too.


Anita said...

I feel your pain. Sounds like total disorientation. Been there and don't like it. Whenever you can catch the sun, be sure to get in it!

I'm sorry your mom is having health issues. Mine has had a few during the last 10 years and it bothered me a lot. I constantly wanted to control and fix it; recommending things that she should do. Actually, much of it she went along with and has helped her to get through depressed times.

She's 80 and I hope she'll be around a long time, because like your mom, she's active and full of life.

The older I get, the better(?) I get at accepting the inevitable death we all face.

I'll end on a good note and wish you good days ahead. :)

MamaB said...

Not to be obvious, but could it be one of the kids going potty in the middle of the night and either slammin the toilet seat/lid up or down? With a sprinkle of dog stretching out like she owns the place? Maybe it is time to remind the kids to not to close the lid/flush in the middle of the night. Mama's got to sleep!!!

I hope only good health and happiness comes to your Mom. Mine is only 65 and every cold/flu she gets seems
to go to pneumonia...I just can't think about her not being with us. My prayers are with you for a good nights sleep and many many more years with your Mom.

Kat said...

MamaB- The noises seem to be right next to my bed. Our master bedroom has a master bath attached and the bathroom door is just a few feet from my side of the bed. I don't think it was the toilet seat but that is the kind of noise it made. I did check out the dog's bed and even if she would have bumped into the chair as she was lying down the chair was too far from the wall to smack into it. I can't figure out where these noises have been coming from. It has been happening for about a week always around the same time. And LOUD. It isn't the kids because their rooms are on the other side of our stairwell, so basically on the other side of the house. These noises are right next to me.
Very weird.

Anita said...

Me again. I thought about what I said above which makes it sound like I think that you're losing it. Well, I don't. :) It's common feelings that I think most moms go through.

Kat said...

Anita- Ha! I didn't take it that way at all. I am very willing to look into all possibilities. I could be overtired. It could be my dog. It could be a fluke. It could be a ghost. It could be the house settling (loudly). I don't know. I just hope it stops so I can sleep. :)
Thank you for both of your comments. :)

dawn klinge said...

I wish that I could hug you right now Kat. Of course, you're feeling weird right now. That seems normal under the circumstances. I'm so sorry that your mom is sick. Keeping you and your family in my prayers. I hope you have a restful weekend at the cabin.

Bijoux said...

I read my one and only Stpehen King last summer....11/22/63.....enjoyable, but way too long!

Hope the weirdness turns into something better for you soon.

Tabor said...

I said to my husband the other day that we have about 18 years if we are lucky we have more. Time goes too fast. I do not dread death or even worry about it. My health is good and I have no pain...those are the important points as we age. My mother died a slow death with a growth they never diagnosed, but her pain was not evident. It was a long and tiring time, but we all go through this and just to make you feel better, your kids will go through it in the decades ahead! Aren't I the sunny one? Read something more fun and lighter during this time, please.

Kat said...

Tabor- I know. And I really don't have a problem with aging. I just wonder how it feels to get to a point where you KNOW that you really only have a couple of years left, if you are lucky. Of course, we can all go at anytime. Nothing is guaranteed. Still, I do have this weird fear of death in the way back of my mind. It makes me feel awful because I do have faith but there is this nasty "what if". Nothingness would be horrible.

Also, the thought of losing my mom is just too much. I can't even imagine it right now. Don't want to think about it.

And yes. The next book is a comedy. ;)

Cyndy Bush said...

You have been through so much with your dad's illness and passing and then with the in-laws....I can understand why you'd be having a hard time with this.
I hope things continue to get better.
And I hope your house is not haunted.

Mom24 said...

Hang in there Kat. My mom's 77 and her health seems to be declining constantly. It's so hard. I feel exactly like you vocalized. I can't imagine what it will be like when she's gone. I also can't imagine how I will handle dealing with all the actual details of things I'll have to do, and then I feel so morbid for even thinking about it.

Good luck. I hope the time away helps.

Charmaine said...

Dear Kat ... i am sorry to read of all your worries... none are easy to get around...and we all go through similar only advice is to pray about all of it ... God is in control and will help u through it all...hugs C
Ps maybe suppressing 'things' like your feelings about your Mom's health is not a good idea...suppressed feeling only come back to 'bite' one at a later stage...

Peruby said...

First of all - mothers and death. My mom died from a car accident and I know this sounds weird but I think my family may have been blessed with the outcome. Sure, she was taken befor her time but I hear so many sad stories from friends about the last years of their mother and it is heartbreaking I tell you - heartbreaking.

Second - have you switched, added or upped any medications? Just a thought.

Third - I believe there is a condition you are speaking of. There is no physical noise waking you up. It is like a bad dream, just a noise from your memory. Don't look for the culprit - there is not one. Just an idea. It will go away in its own time. It is probably stress. As you drift off to sleep just talk to yourself and tell yourself it is okay. All is normal and if it must wake you up again - just do its thing. Then turn over and go back to sleep.

Good luck!

Anonymous said...

Hugs, honey. That's a lot of news to swallow. And a lot of pain, too. I hope you find some peace and solace.

Anonymous said...

Hugs, honey. That's a lot of news to swallow. And a lot of pain, too. I hope you find some peace and solace.

Unknown said...

I am so sorry to hear that about your Mom and that you've been feeling "off" lately.

Thinking of you, my friend...

Riahli said...

For a while I was hearing these clunking noises if I woke up at night, especially if I got up to go to the bathroom or what ever. I thought at first it was the ice clunking in the ice maker in the freezer, but then that broke and it was still happening. It had something to do with how deep I was asleep I think, or my chiropractor said it had something to do with the bones in my neck... I forget his explanation right now. Anyways my point it, it might be in your head? I know that sounds weird, but if you are the only one hearing it maybe you are startling yourself awake in a weird dream state and hearing a sound thats not really there? You did say your husband heard it one time though, so I guess that theory doesn't really work. And I just gave away that I hear weird noises in my head... better then voices I guess. ;)

Sorry about your mom, that would put me in a weird spot as well. She sounds like an amazing woman.

Kat said...

Riahli- I definitely think it is a possibility that stress and lack of sleep are causing me to hear things. Or even making me dream things and then I wake up and think they are real. I think there are MANY things we don't really understand (but because I have had ghostie type experiences before and I'm always worried it would happen again, that is in the back of my mind).
I had the hubby switch sides of the bed with me. Our entire marriage he has slept on the right side of the bed, but I have always thought the man was supposed to sleep on the side closest to the door, which would be the left side of our bed. Just having him switch sides, because I'm crazy, made me feel much better. I slept ok last night. And I slept well up north too.

Perhaps I'm just going crazy. ;)

Kat said...

An update- In case anyone is checking the comments because they had similar sleep problems.

A few weeks ago I finally found a good chiropractor. I told him about my strange weight fluctuations, bad skin, long menstrual cycles, poor sleep. He said he was positive it was from stress. He told me to cut out all wheat for a few days and try to eat something high in protein right before bed. Then he asked, "Do you ever wake up with a BANG!" It shocked me because that was just what I had been dealing with for months. He said that it is kind of a sugar crash. It happens when your melatonin levels rise as you sleep and your sugar levels fall. It almost causes a type of crash and it can make you hear or feel a bang. I can't tell you what a relief that was to hear. I did cut out wheat for a couple of days, ate a little protein before bed (string cheese or hard boiled egg) and did not have that problem again. I've also been taking yoga 2x a week and running at least 3x a week to manage stress. It has helped immensely!

So, Anita, Peruby, and Riahli, you three were on the right track.

Funny thing too, when my chiro told me it was stress I told him I didn't feel stressed. But he just shook his head and said "yeah, but you are." He is awesome.

Words To Live By

Be grateful for each new day.
A new day that you have never lived before.
Twenty-four new, fresh, unexplored hours to use usefully and profitably.
We can squander, neglect, or use them.
Life will be richer or poorer by the way we use today.
Finish every day and be done with it.
You have done what you could;
some blunders and absurdities crept in;
forget them as soon as you can.
Tomorrow is a new day.
You shall begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be
encumbered with your old nonsense.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson