Friday, April 1, 2011

Friday Afternoon

It is Friday afternoon.  I'm sitting in my library with the door closed, taking turns folding laundry and drinking my coffee.  I closed the door to keep the sock stealing dog and the laundry unfolding tornado, Grace, out of my way.  The muffled chaos is just a bonus. 

It was supposed to be a rainy/snowy day but as I sip my coffee I glance out the window and see the afternoon sun beaming off the driveway in long streams of yellow.  Thank God it did not snow again.  I don't think I could take that today. 

Today was a tough day.  Feeling somewhat confident I dragged my two youngest with me to Target so I could try on swim suits.  My confidence did not last long.  Knowing I am close to my goal weight gave me undeserved swagger.  The same goal weight that used to look great on me now looks lumpy, and flat, and pale, and mushy, and just wrong.  Apparently, the weight distribution center goes wonky after a certain age.  Or maybe it is after a certain number of children.  Either way, nothing is where it should be.  I ran a total of 70 miles last month and this is the result?  It has made me a bit depressed, I'm afraid.

Now I'm sitting here, my hair still wet from the shower I took after my run, contemplating exercise and the whole point thereof.  Part of me wants to just tell myself to buck up.  Enjoy the body I have while I have it.  I know someday I will look back on this body and wonder what the hell my whiny 34 year old self was complaining about.  Another part of me flashes back to that image in the store's mirror and kinda wants to cry.


Such trivial things clogging up my mind.  It is a privilege, I know.

I have been quiet this afternoon.  Just listening.  I don't feel like talking much.  I don't know if I have anything good to say.

The kids are happy to talk for me.  They talk all day long.  Nonstop.  They are talking right now.  Loudly, as a matter of fact.  I hear them wrestling in the next room and I set my laundry aside for a minute to supervise and make sure it is not getting too rough out there. 

Grace squeals and runs up to me.

"Ho me!" she says with her arms raised up to me.

I immediately pick up her long, skinny body and hold her to me.  She squirms and wiggles, her pink Nike warm-up outfit slippery in my arms.  I have to wrap both my arms tightly around her to make sure she doesn't shimmy free.  She wraps her little arms around my neck, smashes her cheek against mine and says, "I lub YOU !"  To which I, of course, reply "I love YOU!"  And on and on this (my favorite) game goes.

"Hey mom, are you done folding laundry now?" Joey asks me as he slams his brother to the ground.

"No.  Not yet."  I answer back.  "Sheesh! Careful with Ben!"

"I lub YOU!" Grace says to me and I respond in kind.

"Well could you finish?  Because I want to snuggle with you.  I haven't snuggled with you all day."  Joey says as Tommy climbs on his back.

"I lub YOU!" Grace laughs as she squashes my cheeks in between her dimpled hands.

Completely relieved and amazed that my 8 year old still wants to snuggle with me all the time I tell him, "I'll hurry, Joe.  Then we can have a nice, long snuggle, okay?"

He nods his head and goes back to tackling his brothers on the floor.

"I love YOU!" Grace squeals in my ear and I whisper back in hers, "I love YOU!"

"Mom, my best friend Sara?  She is going on a cruise next week."  a redfaced and hyper Tommy tells me excitedly as he bounces from foot to foot.

"Wow."  I respond, trying to sound just as enthused.

"That's a silly time to go on a cruise."  Tommy says matter of factly while he pushes Ben into Joey.

"Why is that a silly time to go?"  I ask him.

"Because she is going on the weekend.  She said it is gonna take five days to get there.  That's a long time.  She's gonna miss some school." he answers.

"Oh."  I guess I can see his logic.

"I told her I hope she doesn't get attacked and eaten by a giant squid. Cuz she has to go on the ocean." Tommy tells me.  I can't help but laugh at that one.  What a way to wish a friend well on their vacation!

"I'm gonna say a prayer for her tonight so she doesn't get eaten by a giant squid."  Tommy decides.

"But she'll be alright, Tommy."  Benny reassures his big brother as he comes up for air from the dog pile.

"Unless she gets eaten by a giant squid."  Tommy corrects him as the three boys continue to smash into each other.

"Mamma!!!!"  Gracie says, grabbing my face to get my full attention, "I LUB YOU!!!"

And with that my mood is rescued.  Laugher when I didn't feel like laughing.  Love when I need it the most.  It is just the reminder I need.  Thank you, my lovies.  It is so worth it.


Tabor said...

This is just what you needed to remind you that all that you said above about how you will feel in 10 years about weight is silliness and you will recognize that. I look back on my photos and am amazed at how wonderful I looked! I thought I was a dump. It is wrong that we view ourselves with such critical eyes noticing every little teeny tiny imperfection and magnifying it until it is all we can see. Strive for good health because you obviously are already a great mom.

Mom24 said...

I have no idea what to say. Everything I could/would say, you know, but sometimes it doesn't help. I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry that you felt like that today. I know you are gorgeous inside and out, but I understand how you feel.

Hope the weekend's better and easier.

Riahli said...

Awwwwww... so sweet, love those moments.

I would be sobbing for hours if I had to try on swim suits! Not a favorite... Just getting dressed in the morning puts me in a bad mood right now, as I'm not even close to my goal weight {and probably never will be...} Sigh.

Karen Deborah said...

You know for all that love I'd sacrifice a Barbie bikini body any day. That is joy. Your body works and it's healthy and your husband loves you. I don't think he's been complaining.

Swim suit shopping is the pits for everybody. Check out Lands End slender suits they are contemporary and look great.
you look great!

Kat said...

Karen- I checked out Land's End and I really like a couple of them, but I am hesitant to buy something like a swim suit without getting to try it on first. I HATE returning things by mail. Pain the the BUTT. ;)

Unknown said...

I love this peek into your day with your loves. So sweet.

historygirlie said...

My girlies can always rescue me from the rough days too.

I love the huge amount of concern about giant squids. Keep us updated if the little friend makes it home from the cruise squid-free!

Tonya said...

I love the "I lub you" game!

Erica M said...

I remember the lumpy swimsuit try-on day too well. Tankinis work well. The lycra tank holds in the belly, and the boy shorts cover all kinds of transgressions.

This was a lovely post. Your children are beautiful.

Kat said...

Erica- Oh yes. I was trying on tankinis and boys shorts. The stomach is not the problem area. It is the thunder thighs. I think the boys shorts made it worse. It looked like sausage being squeazed into it's casing. It was nasty. And it is weird because I am so close to my goal weight. Perhaps when I have a bit of a tan they won't look quite so bad. ?? ;)

dawn klinge said...

Kat....about the Land's End don't have to get them from a catalog anymore. They sell them at Sears too!
Your kiddos are adorable and I loved this post. It brought a smile to my day too.

Kat said...

Dawn- Ooooo!!! Thanks! We have a Sears close by. I'll check it out. At least if I do see one online that they don't have at Sears I can probably return it to Sears if it doesn't work out. :)

Brittany said...

You're so honest and open. You are your own worst critique-- remember that! You're beautiful and clearly your babies think you are! Keep your head high-- keep running! :)

Jeni said...

Amazing, isn't it, how a little hug, a kiss or the words, "I love you!" from a small child can put a smile on one's face immediately and make even the gloomiest of days seem just great!

Unknown said...

I have a sock tornado at my house. Hope you get warm weather soon!

Karen Deborah said...

Kat the Lands Ends suits do fit. Use your measurements and pick that size. They fit like they say they do. I was scared too but have been buying my suits on line for years now. The cool thing is you can return them at any Sears and not pay return shipping. If you wan to exchange there is no added shipping. It's amazing too how much better we all look at home , without the glare of bright lights and 3 way mirrors! Not to mention all the cute accessories to go with....

Kat said...

Karen- Oooo! Awesome! Thank you! I think I'll do that. :)

Anonymous said...

Swim suit shopping sucks. And none of look like we did before. I'm also sporting a really sexy scar from my c-section. It's hot if you're into that sort of thing.

I love your children. They would rescue my mood too. What wonderful personalities they have.

Kelli @ writing the waves said...

Loved this. Teary-eyed even.

Amazing how kiddos can turn our moods around. Thank goodness.

I'm still smiling about the giant squid! haha :)

And 70 miles last month? I am BEYOND impressed. I have never even run 70 miles in my life. You go, girl!

Anonymous said...

You're gorgeous in their eyes and that's enough.
Swimsuits--pfft. Target's suits make anyone look unflattering unless they're 16 and anorexic. Get thee to a proper store--at least to Kohl's!

Kat said...

Green Girl- I KNOW!!! The suits at Target are awful!!! But I've been to Kohl's and Boston Store and JCPenney's and every other store on the planet and they only have one or two racks of swim suits and all of them are for sizes 10 and up or itty bitty teenagers. I just don't get it.
The thing is, I like the suits I have now, but they are all stretched out a bit so I have to keep adjusting here and there instead of just being able to enjoy myself swimming with the kiddos. Grrr.

I think I am taking Karen's advice and ordering online.

sitting on the mood swing at the playground said...

As always, a great post. I think you have to be pre-puberty to wear a Target suit. Like others here I get my suits at Land's End.

I love that your children were the perfect mood boosters. And...I'm going to think good thoughts for Sara for a squid-free cruise.

Jackie K said...

Lovely post. And I am sure you look great. We're always our worst critics!

Rima said...

This is so sweet! You always find a good perspective on things. And I bet you look better in a swimsuit than you think.

Laski said...

Awe . . . I lub you, too. And a snuggle seems to put the world just right, doesn't it?

imbeingheldhostage said...

Beautiful. I love the way kids live, don't you? Everything is just so simple. Im trying to drop everything when I get the cuddle requests now. Great way to spend a day. Congrats on the no snow!

Name: Bryan said...

I came over to check on you. Haven't done that in ages! I miss reading blogs! Sounds like my house, minus the wee girl! :o( Heh heh. I hope you're well!

Siobhan said...

Gah! That was ME! Not my husband.

Cyndy Bush said...

OK, first I just have to say I want a library!!!
Anyway, good for you for being able to step back and enjoy it all.

Kat said...

Dys Mom- It could very well be called our study or our office, but we had a ton of shelves built in it and I have all of our books there so I call it my library. :) It makes me happy.

lime said...

they really can pull us out of a funk without even knowing it, can't they?

Words To Live By

Be grateful for each new day.
A new day that you have never lived before.
Twenty-four new, fresh, unexplored hours to use usefully and profitably.
We can squander, neglect, or use them.
Life will be richer or poorer by the way we use today.
Finish every day and be done with it.
You have done what you could;
some blunders and absurdities crept in;
forget them as soon as you can.
Tomorrow is a new day.
You shall begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be
encumbered with your old nonsense.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson