Grace is coming up on her two year birthday fast which brings even more change upon us. The independence and strong will is already starting to show itself as we near the two year mark. I have started to prep her for her potty training which I'm sure we will embark on soon. Soon she will be moving into a big girl bed and the crib and changing table will be stored away. There will be no more diapers, wipes, sippy cups, cribs or crib sheets. They will be gone for good.
You'd think this would make me rejoice. But it doesn't. It makes me melancholy. To think I will never again have my very own newborn in my arms. I will never again feel my baby kick from inside my belly. I will never again lift my little babe from the crib with weary worn arms, sit down in the glider and fall asleep while nursing my babe. No more babies. None. All done.
And yet just yesterday I took a pregnancy test. Just to see. Because I always think I'm pregnant. Even though Todd had a "little procedure" (much to my chagrin) last year to ensure that four would be our final number I still took a test. Even though a pregnancy would be a virtual impossibility I took a test. Maybe I was just hopeful. And as I squinted and searched for that second line to appear I realized how hopeful I had been.
Hopeful even though my four are more than a handful at times. Even though I sometimes wonder how I am going to make it through raising the four I've got now, hopeful. Hopeful even though there is a big part of me that doubts I can do it all again. Hopeful even when there was a small part of me sweating and silently thinking, "No way!" Though we are finally at a point when we can start planning that Disney vacation, I was still hopeful. Hopeful even though I think three boys and a little girl is just about as perfect it gets. Even though I am truly enjoying each of my children and the stage that we are at as a family, for some crazy reason, I was still hopeful.
Four is my number. And I'm so lucky. I know that. I am so grateful for the fabulous kids that I do have and I'm excited to begin this next phase with my family. There is so much to look forward to. So much in store. I know God's plan is always perfect and I pray to accept His will gracefully.
Though I will always yearn for one more baby I know that eventually there has to be a last child. And I couldn't have dreamed of a more amazing "last" child. She is the perfect completion of our family. We end with Grace. Gracefully.