Friday, October 8, 2010

I'm Going To Miss This

When I first started this journey I had no idea what I was doing.  I didn't take any classes.  I didn't read any books.  I was too shy to talk much about it.  I didn't know many women that had done it.  I just knew I wanted to give it a try.  I knew it was best.  And I was hoping it would work. 

Joey made it easy.  From the very first moment it seemed like the most natural thing in the world.  It was like magic.  And it made me feel like superwoman.  I could comfort my baby.  I could provide all my baby needed.  I could nourish my baby.  I could make my baby happy.  The only thing my baby needed in this whole world was me.  Breastfeeding turned out to be the most unexpected best decision I've ever made.

It wasn't always easy.  When Tommy was colicky, and my milk was squirting in his face, and he was screaming and refusing to eat I questioned it.  When I got mastitis I questioned it.  When Ben was just a wee baby and wasn't gaining weight as fast as he should be I questioned it.  But I still knew it was best.  So when each of my boys tried to wean themselves (too busy with looking around and exploring this new world to sit still for long) at 10 or 11 months I made them keep going until they were a year.  And I treasured every moment knowing it wouldn't last much longer.

This past year with Grace has gone faster than any year of my life, and now she too has weaned herself from breastfeeding.  I knew it was coming but I'm glad I didn't know when the last time would be.  Had I known I'm sure I wouldn't have been able to choke back the tears.  Knowing it would be the last time I looked down to see her sleepy little eyes closing as she nurses.  Knowing it would be the last time I felt her tiny, sweaty hand on my back.  Knowing it would be the last time I would ever see milk dripping out the sides of her mouth as she smiles up at me.  I'm glad I didn't know.  I'm emotional enough already.

I'm really going to miss this.


29 comments:

Rebecca Ramsey said...

Beautiful.
I count the time I spent breastfeeding my three as a real treasure, even with the same questions and struggles you shared. It's hard and sometimes frustrating, but it's a lovely gift of closeness. I'm so glad we're made this way!

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

You're absolutely right--there is nothing else in the world like it. I feel lucky I got to nurse my kids, too.

Carol said...

Kat...I'm so glad you enjoyed it...and didn't have any idea when it would be the last time. Breastfeeding is one of God's greatest gifts to mothers! My little DIL decided not to breastfeed her first baby. It was hard for me not to tell her I was disappointed with her decision not to nurse Ella....but I do feel it's each Mom's choice. She decided to give it a try with the last two. She loved it!

Love and Blessings to you and your beautiful family, Kat~xoxoxoxoxoxox

Kelly said...

I completely agree! I loved breast feeding all my kids.

Mom24 said...

Oh Kat. This made my heart ache. I too miss it, and I completely understand. (((Hugs)))

Sara said...

I haven't been by for a while...
I hear you on this post!

Mallard Cove Mommy said...

I wasn't able to nurse my first and I'm SO enjoying being able to nurse my second. I had never thought about the day when she stops. Thank you for this sweet post (and sweet pic). I know that I will cherish each moment I nurse my little one even more now!

Kelly said...

I was very much the same way. And it was hard for me to wean Aiden. I knew it was the last baby and I knew it would be soon over. Little did I know that he would slowly start to wean himself right before his first birthday. I kind of fought it at first because the other boys were 13 and 15 months but I let him take the lead. I admit I enjoyed having that freedom of not having someone wanting my boob all the time time, lol, but I did so enjoy that closeness.

Riahli said...

Oh my you made me cry...it's such a beautiful thing isn't it...I'm so glad I chose to as well. I will be sad when Leiella is all done. {I don't want to know when that will be either.}

Emily said...

You pretty much took the words right out of my heart. I felt the same way when I stopped nursing Charlie. Those are memories I"ll really treasure.

Kayla Sue said...

Aw, how beautiful! I didn't breastfeed Levi as he has a pretty severe case of acid reflux and is lactose intolerant, but I am PRAYING I can experience this with our next baby. Sweet, sweet post!

Scrappy said...

Lyla has started to wean herself lately and a few days ago I just had a feeling it was time to let it happen. I am going to hold on and enjoy every time we have left. I have been fighting back tears since I (she) made my decision, but this post made me lose it! Oh, I will miss it so much!

painted maypole said...

My May Queen is 8, and I still miss it sometimes. ;)

What a great picture. I wish my husband had taken pictures of us.

Karen MEG said...

I feel this too, Kat. When I weaned my daughter (I was doing it for other reasons, but she was ready anyway, at 19 months), I would sometimes end up in tears. It's such a precious thing, the connection to your baby is incredible. I still miss it just thinking about it.

Lovely photo.

Hilary said...

I remember that feeling so well. I have half as many children as you and I knew my second would be my last. It ached to watch him wean himself but I believed in the philosophy of "don't offer and don't refuse." To this day, almost 20 years later, I can still feel the almost-physical sensation of milk letting down when I hold a wee one. It's a bond like no other.

Tonya said...

this brought tears to my eyes. I was able to nurse all my kids past a year and I am so glad they did!

Dawn said...

Beautiful. You described the feelings that go along with breastfeeding so well. I don't think I ever was conscious that it was my last time either. It happened so gradually.

Loukia said...

Lovely post. I loved breastfeeding my boys. Did it for 6 months with each of them and when I stopped both times, I was so sad. I miss the baby stages so much. It's so bittersweet, how quickly time passes, how fast they grow...

tweetey30 said...

I tried nursing both girls but they wouldnt take to it but we did bottle feed and I was the one that did most of it so they still had the closeness of mom near them. not like nursing but still the closeness of it..

Karen Deborah said...

as much as you love babies and as great a parents as you are why limit your family's size? God will provide for the increase. I love this photo and all the love you have to give. You are so special.

Kat said...

Karen- As much as my hubby loves his kiddos he honestly can not have anymore. He was done having kids at 2 kids so I am lucky I talked him into the 3rd and 4th. He just is done. Seriously. And I can tell too. It is not something I am going to push him into. I am very happy to have the four I have now. And truth be told, I feel like the older I get the harder my pregnancies and deliveries have gotten. It gets a little riskier once you are over 35 (which I would be) too so it all adds up to no more kiddos.
I'm incredibly grateful for the monkeys I've got. But MAN, am I sad to see it go so quickly.

Krystyn said...

It is so very sad. At the same time, I think it's best we don't know when that last time would be...I think I would break!

Hugs..I know it's so hard.

Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog said...

My babies weaned themselves before I was ready, too. I still miss it...

Kristen said...

That was beautiful Kat. It does go to fast, and it is hard for me to believe that that period of my life is gone as well. It is such a special gift from God to sit and be still with our babies. So thankful for that.

Here's to the new special bonds you will form! :)

April said...

I breastfed Hunter till about six months and while I often wish I could have gone longer (he was such a BITER!!) I'm still proud of how long we did it. It was a beautiful experience and I can't wait to share those quiet moments with my second when he/she is born.

Beautiful post!!

Kristin said...

Just wanted to say...I "love" your blog...awesome, it is!!! Happy Fall!

maggie said...

Time just goes too fast sometimes, especially the good stuff.

Lisa said...

I hear you girl! I did a year for the first two & nine months with Anna ~ which was hard because I wasn't ready to be done. But just yesterday I was thinking about how I don't miss leaky, huge boobs! Here's hoping you can get there soon :)
Beautiful pictures by the way!

lime said...

i'm so late getting here but i completely understand your feelings. when my youngest was weaned he was a year and a half. he had been down to about every other day just in the evening or before a nap. i decided i wanted the last time to be memorable so i chose mother's day. didn't the little stinker bite me, as if he knew!

but he's 15 now and i still look at nursing mommies and their babies and feel a little wistful.

Words To Live By

Be grateful for each new day.
A new day that you have never lived before.
Twenty-four new, fresh, unexplored hours to use usefully and profitably.
We can squander, neglect, or use them.
Life will be richer or poorer by the way we use today.
Finish every day and be done with it.
You have done what you could;
some blunders and absurdities crept in;
forget them as soon as you can.
Tomorrow is a new day.
You shall begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be
encumbered with your old nonsense.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson