On this very day last year I was unpacking all of our belongings into our new house. It was windy, cold, and rainy outside and empty, bare, and too new on the inside. I was feeling pretty sad despite the fact that we had just moved into our dream home.
Today the weather has been hovering around 70 degrees with plenty of sunshine and a beautiful, warm wind. There are curtains on my windows. Artwork on my walls. The house has been better than I could have ever dreamed. The kiddos are happy. The husband is doing well. And yet I feel like a zombie these past few weeks just going through life, but not really enjoying.
I love fall. Not quite as much as summer, but very close. The warm golden, rusty colors of the leaves. The musty smells in the air. Cool crisp nights. Baking cookies and making soups. Decorating the house with massive amounts of scarecrows and ghosts. I love it all. So why aren't I able to enjoy it this year?
I get why last year was tough. I was really missing my dad. The move was rough. Life with a newborn is never easy. The weather was lousy. What's my excuse this time?
It's not like I haven't been trying.
Perhaps it is the constant motion. Running from one thing to the next to the next. Never really being able to enjoy the moment. It has been crazy busy. But is that really the reason?
I think I've just been feeling lost. Lost in the shuffle. I've been so busy trying to get everything done for everyone else I forgot about myself. I haven't been reading. Who has time for that? I haven't been running. When could I fit that in? The only time I have been getting for myself is an hour or so at night when I sit down with a cocktail and watch some pointless tv. And that can't be it. While I do enjoy it, that can not be all I give to myself. I need a little more. Perhaps something that makes me feel a little less like a slug and maybe even makes me feel good about myself.
I know what the answer is. It's just making myself do it.
When Todd came home for lunch today and told me that he didn't have to be back at the office right away I saw an opportunity. I threw on my running clothes and took off out of the house. I haven't run in months so I knew it wasn't going to be easy. Add to that the fact that the wind was gusting 30-40 mph and it was an uphill battle. My legs felt strong but I struggled for breath almost the entire way. A few times I thought I was going to vomit. But I didn't stop. I kept going. Watching The Biggest Loser last night gave me the push I needed to push myself. And you know what? I didn't vomit. Or pass out. Or get a migraine. I made it. And after the run I felt better. Better than I have in weeks.
I only went two miles but it was still an accomplishment. It was a start. It is not so much about shedding these last 10 pounds I've been hanging onto. It is more about knowing what I need to feel like me again. Knowing what makes me happy and actually making time to do it. I never thought I really needed something like this, but I guess we all do.
I think it is going to be a beautiful fall.