Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Finding Me

On this very day last year I was unpacking all of our belongings into our new house.  It was windy, cold, and rainy outside and empty, bare, and too new on the inside.  I was feeling pretty sad despite the fact that we had just moved into our dream home.

Today the weather has been hovering around 70 degrees with plenty of sunshine and a beautiful, warm wind.  There are curtains on my windows.  Artwork on my walls.  The house has been better than I could have ever dreamed.  The kiddos are happy.  The husband is doing well.  And yet I feel like a zombie these past few weeks just going through life, but not really enjoying. 

I love fall.  Not quite as much as summer, but very close.  The warm golden, rusty colors of the leaves.  The musty smells in the air.  Cool crisp nights.  Baking cookies and making soups.  Decorating the house with massive amounts of scarecrows and ghosts.  I love it all.  So why aren't I able to enjoy it this year?

I get why last year was tough.  I was really missing my dad.  The move was rough.  Life with a newborn is never easy.  The weather was lousy.  What's my excuse this time?

It's not like I haven't been trying.

Perhaps it is the constant motion.  Running from one thing to the next to the next.  Never really being able to enjoy the moment.  It has been crazy busy.  But is that really the reason?

I think I've just been feeling lost.  Lost in the shuffle.  I've been so busy trying to get everything done for everyone else I forgot about myself.  I haven't been reading.  Who has time for that?  I haven't been running.  When could I fit that in?  The only time I have been getting for myself is an hour or so at night when I sit down with a cocktail and watch some pointless tv.  And that can't be it.  While I do enjoy it, that can not be all I give to myself.  I need a little more.  Perhaps something that makes me feel a little less like a slug and maybe even makes me feel good about myself. 

I know what the answer is.  It's just making myself do it.

When Todd came home for lunch today and told me that he didn't have to be back at the office right away I saw an opportunity.  I threw on my running clothes and took off out of the house.  I haven't run in months so I knew it wasn't going to be easy.  Add to that the fact that the wind was gusting 30-40 mph and it was an uphill battle.  My legs felt strong but I struggled for breath almost the entire way.  A few times I thought I was going to vomit.  But I didn't stop.  I kept going.  Watching The Biggest Loser last night gave me the push I needed to push myself.  And you know what?  I didn't vomit.  Or pass out.  Or get a migraine.  I made it.  And after the run I felt better.  Better than I have in weeks. 

I only went two miles but it was still an accomplishment.  It was a start.  It is not so much about shedding these last 10 pounds I've been hanging onto.  It is more about knowing what I need to feel like me again.    Knowing what makes me happy and actually making time to do it.  I never thought I really needed something like this, but I guess we all do. 

I think it is going to be a beautiful fall.  

25 comments:

Magnolia Sun said...

Good for you!!

Dawn said...

I understand. I haven't been making the time to exercise lately and I sure feel the difference. Good job, getting out there today.

Mom24 said...

I completely get this. Good for you. It takes so much energy to make yourself do it, doesn't it? Hope it helps and that you're able to keep pushing. I also hope the joy comes back soon.

Jenn said...

I hear ya!! I've just been going through the motions as well. Hopefully we both get our groove back soon!!! :)

MamaB said...

It's amazing what a little me time can do for a girl! I completely understand! I'm so glad you got some me time in and I hope even if it is for 10-15 minutes you find a little me time everyday!!

Kelly said...

Way to go!!! I know just how you feel btw.

Jeni said...

I think just the turning of the season can sometime toss you for a bit of a loop and set your system off-kilter until you adjust to that. Plus, the kids just returned to school and that's another switcheroo that brings its own stress levels to the front -til you re-adjust to that stuff. And life in general -well, it just likes to dump on us, unexpectedly too, from time to time. Add in that you've been cheating yourself of any time that is just "yours" too and look at the stew you just brewed there.
Good that you got that run in today -every little bit helps. That plus the fact you are recognizing the issues and trying then to find ways to adjust. You'll pull out and up and away from this with a little bit of R&R for yourself in short order.

Kelly said...

I could have written that too a little over a year ago. I wish I could say I'm exercising more but I just can't get motivated to....my muffin top shows it! But I have given myself permission to be a little selfish and do more for myself. I still can't find time to fit it all in and am overextended as far as school and church volunteering go but I'm trying. Good for you for seizing that moment and going running. Hopefully the exercise will help you get out of your funk and make you feel better. Hang in there!

Jessa (bipolararmywife) said...

So fall is the reason I wanted to bake cookies yesterday? Hmmmm.... I suppose it would seem more like it was fall if it wasn't still in the 90's here.

Glad you got out and did something just for you. :D

April said...

I don't know how you do it! With just ONE kiddo (and a bun in the oven) I feel the same way, like I never have time for ME. I can totally relate to that feeling. I was just thinking to myself, "How depressing. I can't remember the last time I've read a book". Reading is one of my passions, my favorite pasttimes. Who has time now though? I guess I need to start MAKING the time.

sitting on the mood swing at the playground said...

Yay for you for taking that time and really doing something for yourself.

Hattie said...

Woohoo Kat! "She was runnin!"(saying this in my best Forrest Gump voice) Ha! Why is it so hard for us momma's to do something for ourselves?!

Rebecca Ramsey said...

Yey you!
I don't know why it is SO HARD for me to get off my behind when I'm feeling down and go exercise--even though I KNOW it always, always makes me feel better. I've never gone for a walk and returned thinking "why'd I just do that?" It always works!
Glad you're on the upswing!

Lisa said...

it's a hard gig, huh? wish I had more time for "me" too ~ maybe someday?!? Glad you are finding your groove!

Jill said...

Boy do I relate about getting into the groove lately. Finding ones self is so important, yet I too am struggling with it. You rock for going on a run today - I'm pushing myself to go bike riding with my little guy a few days a week - just to get out of the house.

Happy fall - we could use a little of it here.

Elaine A. said...

Keep running girl, or whatever it is that you NEED to do for yourself! You'll be better for it and so will your family. :)

Glad you got to get out for a bit!

lime said...

glad you took your chance when it came. it is important to nurture ourselves. it fuels us for all the nurturing we need to give to others.

love the fall template too. :)

Doc said...

Good Job! - keep running...

Elizabeth said...

Girl, I am with you. I did the SAME THING last night and went for my first outside run in quite a while (it was finally cool enough). I ran just under two miles and it was hard but I felt so much better afterward. Great job, I think it's wonderful to take time for you!

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Why is it that taking care of ourselves is such a hard thing to do? I'm glad you're doing it, though. Hooray for a good run--and to more!!!

maggie said...

You are awesome. The best way out of a funk is to get out and do what makes you feel good. You ran two more miles than I've ever run. :)

Karen Deborah said...

I was right with you on the feeling yukky part. I haven't found any solution either. i definitely can't run but glad you did. However I thought what you were going to say is that you saw an opportune moment to roll in the hay with your hunky hubs. hee hee

Lindsay said...

Hang in there - we ALL have times like these - you are definitely NOT alone! Praying for you.

Robyn said...

I know exactly how you are feeling. I have been telling myself, you need to make the time to do this for yourself. At the end of my run this a.m. I actually thought I have become a much better mother since I have become so ingrained in getting my workout in. Well, more relaxed anyway. So just do it girl!

painted maypole said...

run, Kat, run...

I need to make time for the stuff I really love, too. unfortunately, i just can't see a way to do any theatre at the moment. just before I read this blog I was thinking "man, I'm so tired and bored and stressed all the time. I hate it."

maybe I can find a temporary fix for my creativity in the meantime.

Words To Live By

Be grateful for each new day.
A new day that you have never lived before.
Twenty-four new, fresh, unexplored hours to use usefully and profitably.
We can squander, neglect, or use them.
Life will be richer or poorer by the way we use today.
Finish every day and be done with it.
You have done what you could;
some blunders and absurdities crept in;
forget them as soon as you can.
Tomorrow is a new day.
You shall begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be
encumbered with your old nonsense.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson