Sunday, October 11, 2009

The Dark Side

We are all moved in. Obviously. We were all moved in two Sundays ago and I had pretty much all the boxes unpacked in the first few days. We still have a garage full of things to be stored somewhere. We just aren't sure where as yet.

The house is gorgeous. A dream come true. And yet, it doesn't feel like home to me. I don't know why. It could just be my mood right now. I'm struggling. Which is why I haven't written for so long.

I feel a bit lost. I don't know if it has just been too much going on for too long without any breaks or what. But I'm feeling it. I'm afraid I'm a bit depressed. Just writing that down makes me want to cry because I feel so guilty even admitting that. What the hell do I have to be depressed about? Spoiled little brat.

I don't really have anyone to talk to. I'm kind of alone. Or at least that is how I feel. I am always the strong one. I can handle anything. I take care of everyone. But for some reason I feel I am in a hole. A big, dark hole. And no one really expects that of me. That is not who I am. Know what I mean?

Anyway.

I'm working to pull myself out of it. And until I feel a bit more like myself I am staying away from this blog. Hope you are all well.

32 comments:

Mom24 said...

Kat, I'm so sorry. I've been thinking of you. Hoping the break was for happy reasons. I kept meaning to email and check in, then life got in the way. I'm sorry, I should have.

That's one thing that can be wonderful about blogs, you can post your feelings. I think your feelings are completely understandable. I'd worry for you if you weren't feeling a bit rough. You are going through so much. It doesn't matter if it's good stuff or not, it's major, major change, and that can be hard. Adding a baby is a wonderful blessing, but let's face it, it's a lot of work, not only the baby, but the boys and helping everyone address. Add in remodeling a home and moving, and I'm thinking anyone would have to be talked off a ledge.

Be good to yourself. Try to find some "me" time as much as you can. Don't feel guilty. Just try to ride the waves and get through. It will get better.

If you ever need an anonymous ear to vent to, you can always email me.

Hilary said...

Kat, you've been non-stop for months. House-hunting, moving, pregnancy, childbirth, ill parent, death. And looking after four wee ones. I'm stunned and astounded that it's taken this long to catch up to you.

But now that it has, please do not let it consume you. Talk to your doctor and make sure he/she understands the depth of your depression. Make sure Todd does too.

Quit the negative thoughts right now (guilty for depression? Spoiled little brat? Not at all!) You've just exited three of the four major life stressors. Guilt doesn't belong in your repertoire. Please get yourself some back up. And keep us posted.

Hugs to you.

OHmommy said...

You just had a baby. Hang in there. The weather stinks. Adds to the emotions. You arent a spoiled brat. Its all very overwhelming.

Dawn said...

What you're going through is quite understandable. I'm so sorry. Big (hugs) to you Kat, and take care.

Brittany said...

I have definitely been where you are! Take care of yourself! :) Hugs!

Amy said...

When I moved from our first house I literally cried all the time. It just didn't feel like home. It did fade eventually but it was hard. I hope you can find your happy place and get back into the groove.

wright said...

HUGS! I know it can be tough. God is holding you in his hands right now.

Jenera said...

It's hard to admit when things are bad when by comparison to others, they don't seem bad. But I think there should be a distinction that while our circumstances may not be depressing to others, when we hit OUR OWN LOW then we can claim it.

Riahli said...

Oh Kat you made me cry...It brought back memories of the way I felt after Ira was born, even though life was overwhelming at the time and I was pushed to the point of absolute exhaustion, I couldn't help feeling guilty for feeling so depressed and overwhelmingly sad when I had just been blessed with a beautiful baby. Find someone you can talk to, just one person that you can vent to makes a difference it truly does. You have been through so much lately, there really is only so much one person can take. It's a horrible feeling and I'm so sorry you are going through this right now, you are in my prayers.

Linda said...

Come back when YOU feel like it. Praying for you!

Mel said...

Kat...my angel...you are HUMAN. Stop beating yourself up for it! Yes, this is a WONDERFUL new chapter of your life...but you also have to give yourself time to mourn the chapter you just finished. You've been through a lot of major changes this last year. Please give yourself some time to adjust...accept...embrace. But also give yourself time to cry...let go...and BE. Ok?

Hugs...

Elaine A. said...

Oh my friend, you have had so many life changes in the last few months, new baby, new home, saying goodbye to the old one. That's a lot to deal with.

I have to say also, if you are truly feeling down, there's no harm in talking to your doctor about it. I know I needed medical "assistance" (anti-depressants) after my first was born. I'm not saying this is the case for you but it may be. Just letting you know that it's nothing to be ashamed of and if that is what is going on with you.

Please don't be hard on yourself and I will be praying that you feel better. Many hugs...

Elaine

Wacie's Way said...

Don't feel bad for feeling the way you feel. I think you just said how alot of us feel but are afraid to say or post it. Like others have said, you have gone through alot in your life. Don't be so hard on yourself. Can you try and get a day to yourself and get out and treat yourself to something you enjoy doing? Hang in there. We are all thinking of you.

Kristen said...

Sending MANY hugs your way. I think you have gone through more than most of us can imagine in the past couple of months! Talk to Todd. Tell him just how you feel. Tell your mom, and tell your doctor. Make sure that others around you know what is going on.

Take your time. Take care of YOU! Find your way, and know that you have hundreds of "unmet" friends around the country cheering you on!!

Sending more hugs and prayers!

Kelley said...

I know how you feel because I've been there. This many changes this quickly can be hard to take, even when you don't realize it until later. Please know I've been wondering about you and hoping you're okay. Take care of YOU and everything else will fall into place.

Lots of love,
Kelley

Jeni said...

With all that you have had going on in the past couple of months -your Dad's passing, selling a house, buying, then remodeling a house, moving and add to that, a new baby plus three active little boys, it is remarkable that you have any sanity left at all!
Seriously though, you could have a tad of post-partem depression (how the heck do you spell that anyway?) and that is nothing to feel guilty about, not at all. Talk to your doctor, see if you might benefit from a little medication to help right now. Look into maybe talking to a counselor -one who has good knowledge/experience in dealing with issues of depression. Don't think of it as something you are failing at -depression -whether it is short-term of long-term clinical depression is an illness, not a failing, nothing to feel guilty over, but it is something that can be treated and should be treated, too. But please, do reach out and get yourself the help you need right now. Then you can go back to being your normal, bubbly and friendly, happy new Mom too!
Peace.

coastrat said...

So many others have said it so well already; just want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I have/am going through several major life changes myself, and understand the stress it adds to one's life. Hang in there, my friend, lots of people love you and are praying for you.

Chrissy said...

I'm so sorry you're going through that. It's not surprising, given the amount of stress and changes you've been going through. You're not at all a spoiled brat, you're a normal person who is having a normal reaction to a lot of life changes at once. Please take very good care of yourself right now. PLEASE.

Tam said...

A new baby a new house....that is a lot on one persons plate! Don't beat yourself up! Take it easy and what does not get put away will still be sitting there for you when you feel better. Just take care of yourself!

tweetey30 said...

You know Kat my household feels the same way for me. So I know exactly how you feel.You have four wonderful children and an adoring husband I hear so much about. Take care of yourself and come back when you are looking up. I mean come on you just had your dream house come true remodeled for you and you just moved in and everything is still so new to you.Its an adjustment to everyone.

Take care and hugs. You will find it more comforting as time goes on now the boys and Grace have there own space and you have your own space and such.

Not Your Aunt B said...

The hormones. Blame it on the hormones. And the move, because I think unpacking is more stressful than packing. Big hugs to you.

Maryeliz said...

Hi -- just wanted to echo what a lot of people have already observed. You've been through so many major life events in the space of a very few months. No wonder you're feeling sad and overwhelmed sometimes. On top of all that, you probably are in the thick of the sleep-deficit that comes with having a new baby. That makes everything feel 1000x worse. (Or at least it does/did for me.) Sending hugs and encouragement your way. You're no less amazing for having tough spells. And you're certainly not a brat for voicing them! No way!

Kelly said...

Been there, know what you are feeling!! With ALL you have been through in recent months, I'd be surprised if you WEREN'T feeling this way. I hope you know you aren't alone, you have a ton of bloggy friends that I'm sure would be happy to chat/email/ whatever with you. I'd definitely be one of them. Hang in there, maybe now you can start to catch your breath and get into a routine and not have to worry about as much. Miss ya!

Krystyn said...

I will be thinking about you.

You have so much going on and so many people to take care of and depending on you.

Hopefully, you can get out and take a break from being mom and having some you time. That always helps me get my head straight.

Hugs.

DysFUNctional Mom said...

You have every right to be depressed, considering hormones plus all that you have on your plate. It happens to so many of us, myself included. Take care of yourself! Talk to your dr if you need to!
xoxo

imbeingheldhostage said...

Oh Kat, don't you know that we're are here for you? Where else can you go if not to the people who have been praying, crying, laughing, cheering and hoping right along side you? You will get through this and you will allow yourself a little dark because it's healthy considering all you've gone through, and one day the house will feel warmer and the day will feel brighter and we'll all still be here cheering you on. Hang in there!
“I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness because it shows me the stars." Og Mandino

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Ummmm...if anyone deserves to take a time out due to feeling overwhelmed? That would be YOU, dear Kat. Deep breaths and know we care about you and your family.

painted maypole said...

I'm sure someone else in the 27 comments prior to mine has already said this, but... go talk to someone. Pay to talk to someone. But talk to someone. Depression is real, and there's no shame in admitting it and getting help. Maybe it is just the "baby blues" and maybe it's something more. Go and talk to someone.

In the meantime, I'm praying for you.

Jill said...

I can entirely relate here!! Not only did I have to leave my home and go back to the States to have my munchkin, but I lost my support system and was alone in a hotel with 2 ... and then 3 kids for 14 weeks. Then upon returning back to India, we were in limbo for 3 weeks before we moved into our new house...

During that transition, my support system here all left for the summer or moved on, and I was stuck in India with no friends, no help, and in a pile of boxes and mess moving from one house to another. (cue violins here)

Anyway, your feelings are totally valid and understood! I wish you well as you go through this transition. Though selfishly I hope you blog more too... while I don't always comment, I do follow along. :)

Karen Deborah said...

Oh sweetie you just had a baby and al the moving with everything it has been a LOT!! post partum depression is very very real, cut yourself a bit of slack and know that your bloggy buddies really love you. prayers going up!!

Lisa said...

I feel like I went through the exact same junk after Anna was born & I felt so darn guilty - after all, what did I have to be depressed about? But after I admitted it, it too got better. Kudos to you for putting it all out there!

ewe are here said...

I'm sorry I missed this ... I hope you're feeling more upbeat now. I know how tiring a baby plus toddlers can be!

I haven't been online much lately either... There's just been so much going on... and while everyone is happy and healthy, just too tired to sit down and write about it all at the end of the day. Or check in regularly on everybody else.

Hang in there... looking forward to seeing more pics of your lovely boys... and house... this year. :-)

Words To Live By

Be grateful for each new day.
A new day that you have never lived before.
Twenty-four new, fresh, unexplored hours to use usefully and profitably.
We can squander, neglect, or use them.
Life will be richer or poorer by the way we use today.
Finish every day and be done with it.
You have done what you could;
some blunders and absurdities crept in;
forget them as soon as you can.
Tomorrow is a new day.
You shall begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be
encumbered with your old nonsense.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson