I'm Going To Miss This

When I first started this journey I had no idea what I was doing.  I didn't take any classes.  I didn't read any books.  I was too shy to talk much about it.  I didn't know many women that had done it.  I just knew I wanted to give it a try.  I knew it was best.  And I was hoping it would work. 

Joey made it easy.  From the very first moment it seemed like the most natural thing in the world.  It was like magic.  And it made me feel like superwoman.  I could comfort my baby.  I could provide all my baby needed.  I could nourish my baby.  I could make my baby happy.  The only thing my baby needed in this whole world was me.  Breastfeeding turned out to be the most unexpected best decision I've ever made.

It wasn't always easy.  When Tommy was colicky, and my milk was squirting in his face, and he was screaming and refusing to eat I questioned it.  When I got mastitis I questioned it.  When Ben was just a wee baby and wasn't gaining weight as fast as he should be I questioned it.  But I still knew it was best.  So when each of my boys tried to wean themselves (too busy with looking around and exploring this new world to sit still for long) at 10 or 11 months I made them keep going until they were a year.  And I treasured every moment knowing it wouldn't last much longer.

This past year with Grace has gone faster than any year of my life, and now she too has weaned herself from breastfeeding.  I knew it was coming but I'm glad I didn't know when the last time would be.  Had I known I'm sure I wouldn't have been able to choke back the tears.  Knowing it would be the last time I looked down to see her sleepy little eyes closing as she nurses.  Knowing it would be the last time I felt her tiny, sweaty hand on my back.  Knowing it would be the last time I would ever see milk dripping out the sides of her mouth as she smiles up at me.  I'm glad I didn't know.  I'm emotional enough already.

I'm really going to miss this.

WW- Mysterious

Lighthouses are such solitary images.  Yet instead of thinking of loneliness and isolation I think of them as mysterious and romantic.  Why is that?

Let Me Count The Ways

It is fall around these parts.  And though my favorite season is summer, fall is a very close second.  I love wearing sweaters and jeans and boots again.  I love raking the leaves into huge piles and letting the boys jump into them until their hearts content.  I love making applesauce, sipping hot tea, snuggling up with a blanket.  I love the way the sun slants into the house in the afternoon. I love all things Halloween.  I love going to the pumpkin farms and apple orchards.  I love how the sun comes up later and later every morning.  I love watching the leaves fall off of the trees in warm rusty/golden sheets and listen to them rustling down the street.  I love fall. 

This is what fall looks like through my eyes.

(Please click on all pics to enlarge)

The wind was really whipping this weekend so the kids and I took a drive down the road to watch the waves for a while.  The wind was too fierce and it was a bit too chilly to get out of the car, but I did manage to get a few great shots of my lake.   

The entire weekend was colder than normal.  It barely got out of the fifties.  Too cold for this early in the year, but we hardly minded since it meant we could have our first fire of the year. 

I put up my decorations earlier this year than I ever have before (the beginning of September), but I just couldn't wait.  I love fall colors.  All the paint colors in my house are burnt oranges, yellows, creams, browns.  This house was made for fall.  My house is plastered in leaves and pumpkins, scarecrows and ghosts.  Fall decorations make me happy.

The bushes and trees are turning colors now.  Still far from peak season, but some of my bushes are looking pretty beautiful.  I love looking out in the backyard and seeing this vibrant red.  And there is so much more to come.   

Sigh...

I just love fall.  So even though Tommy had a broken arm, even though I had a bit of a mishap that left me with a huge, swollen, bloody, egg on my forehead, even though Todd was away this weekend, even though Todd had a stomach virus that he brought back home and now gave to me, even though it was a tad too cold, it was a lovely weekend and I can't wait to see what this next weekend brings.  Perhaps the pumpkin farm?  Perhaps a walk through the woods?  The possibilities are endless.

Tell me, do you love fall?

A Beautiful Thing

We love the closeness.

We love the freedom.

We love the comfort. 

And I know my boys love that I can still take care of them, play with them, walk with them, while keeping their sister snuggly warm, safe, happy, and content right next to me. 

I still use that sling with Grace.  She sits in the sling, resting her head on my chest when she gets tired.  She looks around at the world.  I see what she sees.  She can feel my heartbeat.  She knows she is safe with her mama.  And all is right in the world.

I don't know what I would do without that sling.  And now the CPSC (Consumer Product Safety Commission) is going after all slings, pouches, mei tais, and the like.  It makes me so sad.  And as much as I feel for the parents who experienced such tragedy I know that slings are safe, healthy, wonderful additions to parenting if used correctly. 

Stephanie at Adventures in Babywearing is asking for a call to action.  Post your stories and pictures about babywearing.  Show your support. 

Mother Moments

Hosted by Cecily and Lolli 
 

So many times I feel like I am faking my way through motherhood.  I don't really know what I'm doing.  I just try and act like I do.  The fact that these four little people look to me and trust me to know what to do, how to act, what to believe in, still kind of leaves me breathless. 

Other times nothing has ever felt more natural. 

I can comfort him when he is hurt.  And though I may not be able to fix everything, a few kind words from me and a snuggle on my lap can make everything better.  What an amazing thing.  To be a mother.

(Waiting patiently for the doc to look at his poor broken arm)

Busted

The theme for this week's You Capture is Togetherness.  Love the theme.  And today Togetherness looked a bit different.



When I went to pick up Tommy from school the weather was 70 degrees and beautiful.  Because of said lovely weather, and the fact that my boys are hard to say "no" to, I reluctantly agreed to let the boys play on the school playground with their friends instead of speeding home to make their lunches and get them down for their naps as soon as possible.

Bad decision.

Just as I was about to tell the boys that it was time to go Tommy took a bad fall from the top of the playground.  He landed on his head and his arm.  When he didn't calm down after a few minutes went by I began to wonder.  When we got home and he didn't want to move his arm I was pretty sure.  When my boy, who doesn't ever flinch when he gets shots, could not keep himself from crying I knew it.  It was broken. 

Grandma came over to watch Ben and Grace as I took my poor little boy to the doctor's office.  Once there the doctor confirmed it was broken.  Tommy got a temporary cast put on until the swelling goes down a bit.  Then it is back to the doctor's office for the real cast on Monday. 

(Sportin' the sling before they put on the temp cast.  Such a toughie!)



The kid was a real trooper.  I think I winced more as the doctor moved and manipulated his arm than he did.  He kept saying, "I'm just glad that I didn't die.  That would have been worser."  Yes.  Heavens yes.  That would have been much "worser".  I told him mommy didn't even want to think about that.  With that he decided to lighten the mood.  "Good thing I didn't break my penis off because then pee would have been spraying out everywhere!"  Hmm.  Now why hadn't I thought of that?

When Tommy got home his brothers were equal parts impressed by his bravery, sorry for his pain, and jealous of his cast and ice packs.  Still, they both decided that they NEVER want to break their bones.  Wise decision.

Finding Me

On this very day last year I was unpacking all of our belongings into our new house.  It was windy, cold, and rainy outside and empty, bare, and too new on the inside.  I was feeling pretty sad despite the fact that we had just moved into our dream home.

Today the weather has been hovering around 70 degrees with plenty of sunshine and a beautiful, warm wind.  There are curtains on my windows.  Artwork on my walls.  The house has been better than I could have ever dreamed.  The kiddos are happy.  The husband is doing well.  And yet I feel like a zombie these past few weeks just going through life, but not really enjoying. 

I love fall.  Not quite as much as summer, but very close.  The warm golden, rusty colors of the leaves.  The musty smells in the air.  Cool crisp nights.  Baking cookies and making soups.  Decorating the house with massive amounts of scarecrows and ghosts.  I love it all.  So why aren't I able to enjoy it this year?

I get why last year was tough.  I was really missing my dad.  The move was rough.  Life with a newborn is never easy.  The weather was lousy.  What's my excuse this time?

It's not like I haven't been trying.

Perhaps it is the constant motion.  Running from one thing to the next to the next.  Never really being able to enjoy the moment.  It has been crazy busy.  But is that really the reason?

I think I've just been feeling lost.  Lost in the shuffle.  I've been so busy trying to get everything done for everyone else I forgot about myself.  I haven't been reading.  Who has time for that?  I haven't been running.  When could I fit that in?  The only time I have been getting for myself is an hour or so at night when I sit down with a cocktail and watch some pointless tv.  And that can't be it.  While I do enjoy it, that can not be all I give to myself.  I need a little more.  Perhaps something that makes me feel a little less like a slug and maybe even makes me feel good about myself. 

I know what the answer is.  It's just making myself do it.

When Todd came home for lunch today and told me that he didn't have to be back at the office right away I saw an opportunity.  I threw on my running clothes and took off out of the house.  I haven't run in months so I knew it wasn't going to be easy.  Add to that the fact that the wind was gusting 30-40 mph and it was an uphill battle.  My legs felt strong but I struggled for breath almost the entire way.  A few times I thought I was going to vomit.  But I didn't stop.  I kept going.  Watching The Biggest Loser last night gave me the push I needed to push myself.  And you know what?  I didn't vomit.  Or pass out.  Or get a migraine.  I made it.  And after the run I felt better.  Better than I have in weeks. 

I only went two miles but it was still an accomplishment.  It was a start.  It is not so much about shedding these last 10 pounds I've been hanging onto.  It is more about knowing what I need to feel like me again.    Knowing what makes me happy and actually making time to do it.  I never thought I really needed something like this, but I guess we all do. 

I think it is going to be a beautiful fall.