I feel like I've been away for a long time. The truth is I have had too much weird stuff floating around in my head to write about but here it comes.
I already wrote about my best friend and her family visiting and what a wonderful time we had together, but I omitted quite a bit of information from that post. The major event I left out was my mom's health emergency.
In the middle of the night (3 a.m. to be exact) I received a call from my brother that an ambulance was called for my mother. Apparently, she had such horrible back and chest pain that she couldn't breath. She couldn't even move. I, of course, threw on some clothes and rushed out the door and even beat the ambulance to the hospital. Not wanting to wait around I then drove to my mom's house and watched as the EMTs worked on my mom in the ambulance. I followed them to the hospital and stayed with her in the ER. Of course we all (doctors included) thought she was having a heart attack. Bad news considering she had open heart surgery less than two hears ago and we recently found out that her replaced valve has not been doing as good a job as we hoped.
After a little wait we found out she was not having a heart attack. The doctors then looked into a possible blood clot. More waiting and we found out it wasn't that either. After many hours in the hospital, tons of tests, and lots of anxiety, we found out that she had broken three vertebrae in her back. My mom has to take steroids for her cancer and a side affect is that it can make bones more brittle and the result this time was worn down vertebrae. Luckily, it was a somewhat easy fix (injecting liquid cement onto the vertebrae) and she was released from the hospital a couple of days later.
All of this while I had five guests staying at my house. There was a lot of back and forth to the hospital and very little sleep on my part. The day my houseguests left I was able to take my mom home from the hospital and she has been doing fairly well.
However, it has kind of made me... searching for the right word here... cautious? Cynical? A bit morbid, perhaps?
My mom is doing okay right now, but how long is this going to go on? She has a terminal cancer. Granted, it is in remission (though Multiple Myeloma doesn't go into remission this is as close as she can get, she is doing so well), but the meds she is on take a toll. She had to have open heart surgery to repair damage done by the cancer. Now she had to have another procedure to repair what the meds for the cancer are doing to the rest of her body. I'm just wondering how much more her body can handle.
I think about how my grandma died at 79. My mom is going to be 74 in a few months and she has a serious illnesses (not that you could tell by looking at her- the woman walks miles everyday, volunteers for everything, is very active, and still does all of her own yard work, etc.). How much longer does she have? Honestly, I am lucky I have had her these last 8 years as we were told she had no more than a few months when she was first diagnosed. But, truthfully, that doesn't make me feel any better. I can not imagine my mom not being here. I can't even grasp that.
I also wonder how it feels. How does it feel to be 75 or 80 and think, "Well, if all goes well I probably have 5 years or so left." What does that feel like?
Dark thoughts. They are in my head.
And I tried not to let it affect me but it did. Our whole 4th of July (usually my favorite) just seemed off. I'm sure it was a combination of stress, lack of sleep, coming off of a great visit with friends, not feeling well physically, and Todd and I constantly butting heads (don't get me started on that one, it had been going on for far too long) but I just wasn't feeling it. I even stayed home while Todd took the kids up north for the weekend. That is the first time I've done that in forever. It turns out that was what Todd and I needed to get back on track. Just a little separation. However, I still am in this weird place.
It is fitting that I took the opportunity while feeling weird to read Under The Dome by Stephen King. A weird book, indeed. I used to be a huge Stephen King fan but then drifted off for a long time. This is the first King book I've read in a long time. It was great until the end. The end was very, very lame. So weak. And that kind of stinks because when you read a 1074 page book you like the ending to be satisfying. But it wasn't. So many parts of the book would get to me. I'd lie awake at night and stew over the antagonist but I knew King would handle him in the end. The antagonist always got their due in King's books. But he didn't. Not enough to satisfy me, anyway. And it miffed me. I feel like I was just left hanging.
So, I continue to go on feeling weird. Stephen King only made it worse. Imagine that.
I'm not sleeping at night. And it is weird. First, it was because I wasn't feeling well. But the past week I have been awoken from a deep sleep by a loud banging or smashing noise. Around 2 in the morning every night for almost a week I have been jolted awake. I don't know if it is my crazy dog banging into my table or chair next to me as she stretches out, or if I have a certifiable ghost that likes to wake me up. Either way, it is freaking me out and exhausting me. It is LOUD, people. I mean loud! I can't believe the hubby can sleep through it. He did wake up one time but that was because the bang was against the foot of the bed on his side (I'm almost certain that one was the dog's big block head hitting the bed as she got up).
Last night I was having a dream that I was getting my picture taken with Clay Matthews and Todd was getting his picture with Aaron Rodgers (seriously, the only way that dream could have gotten more Wisconsinite is if we were eating brats and cheese while drinking a Miller Lite), and just as my mom was snapping my picture there was a big *SMASH* that sounded like the toilet seat had been slammed down. I was jolted awake once again. The only reasonable explanation is that my dog (she moves around a lot at night) went to lay back down in her bed and banged my chair against the wall as she did it. But it didn't really sound like that. Whatever.
Weird stuff. I told you.
Maybe some time up north hanging by the lake will help me shake this weirdness off. A light, funny book. Fishing. Bonfires.
And, hopefully when we go up north this weekend there won't be any crazy ghosts or clumsy, obnoxious Goldendoodles that like to wake me up. I need some rest.