Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Ready or NOT

 "Having children is like letting your heart walk around outside of your body."

It was even harder than I thought.  I never imagined I'd feel this way, but I am heartbroken. 

There goes my heart (x4),  my world.  

Not even an hour of sleep was had last night.  I tossed and turned.  This morning I just made it back to the car before the breakdown happened.  The husband was sweet and comforting, and shed his own tears too.  How did we get here so quickly?

I went for a run to clear my head but no such luck.  I felt like I was drowning, grasping for air around the huge lump stuck in my throat.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, it feels like the beginning of the end.  Sometimes life seems like one big goodbye.  And so it begins.

18 comments:

Mom24 said...

I completely "get" this. I love how you captured it--life feeling like one long good-bye. So true. Be good to yourself through this transition.

Please don't allow anyone to push you into going back to work. If we didn't need the money, there wouldn't be enough money in the world to make me miss being here for my family--when a child's sick, not having to worry about not being able to be there, the unexpected snow day, summer break. I still remember when our oldest was a senior he'd rush home and couldn't wait to share his day with me. If I wasn't there for some reason, he always called Mark and asked where I was. It's so important to just "be" there for your kids.

(((Hugs)))

Kat said...

Mom24- Trust me, I don't want to go back to work. I never envisioned myself going back until the kids were older (high school) but there is so much pressure for me to do it (the hubby really wants me to, which I don't really understand). It is crazy. I don't even want to think about it right now. I will just continue to pray that God leads us to do what is right for our family.

lime said...

as one who stayed home until my oldest was off to college let my just say this. don't hurry back while they are still so young (as long as you and your husband can manage). i was quite involved in the schools as a parent volunteer and i was so glad to have that chance. embrace that role if it's afforded to you. but i will also say, if i had to do it again, i'd go back to work sooner or at the very least find a way to become involved in the field i wanted to be in. i was so paralyzed by self-doubt at anyone wanting to hire someone who'd been at home as long as i had been. my fear has hurt me. it's been something to overcome.

you so wonderfully nurture your children. it's important to nurture yourself as well. i did not nurture myself properly and that fed the self-doubt (along with other things). decide what you want to do when you grow up and take some small steps to nurture that side of yourself (whether it's classes or volunteer activities or very part-time employment) so it's not such a shock to the system when you leave your own nest and so you can leave it for something you feel positive about.

i hope that makes sense. just advocacy for balance so you don't lose yourself in this whole process. i did and i am floundering a bit (moreso due to recent events) trying to regain the balance.

Kat said...

Lime- very well said. I think that is the point my hubby is trying to make. Yes, he looks forward to the day when we don't have to pay $1000 for health insurance and I can get some coverage from an employer (I do plan to go back to school for nursing eventually) but I think he also doesn't want me at home too long because it does get harder to return to work the longer you stay out.
I just pray that God leads us down the path that we are meant to go. I certainly don't want to go back to work while my kids are so young and need me (what would I do in summer? they are still too young to stay home alone.). Plus, I want to be that mom who can show up at school when my kid is student of the month, or has a reading in church, or gets sick. I know it is a burden for my hubby to carry the financial load, and it isn't fair, but I know we both want what is best for our family and I pray God will show us exactly what that is.

Wisconsin Girl said...

Amen on the "here goes my heart and my world." My kids are my world, and I totally get how you are feeling, even though it's my first that just started kindergarten. I hope they all have a great day! And you too:)

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Glad to know i wasn't the only one unable to sleep last night!!!

Kat said...

Green Girl- Funny thing about moms I guess. My husband went out to get the paper this morning and saw our neighbor. She commented on how she didn't sleep at all last night (her oldest is starting high school). Interesting phenomenon, huh?

Tabor said...

Hey, sweetie, there are bigger goodbyes ahead and even bigger hellos, This is your magnificent life and while you now have an empty home during the days, it will pass. Honestly, you will get more used to it. You will then find joy in the successes they have in school. Be prepared for some downers that tear out your heart. But these kids are well prepared. They look like bright shiny pennies and you have given them all the right stuff. Congratulations!

Tabor said...

I just wanted to add that I went back to work when my youngest was 10. Do not wait too long because you also have to have rewards in YOUR life. It is not just about the money but you making a different contribution. If you have no desire to work and do not need money, then I respect that decision.

Krystyn @ Really, Are You Serious? said...

Seriously, Gracie is in school already? You just found out you were having a girl like yesterday.

I don't even know what I'll do when my three are all at school at the same time!

DysFUNctional Mom said...

Lately I have SO wished for a rewind button on LIFE.
My baby started middle school this year. :*(

Rima said...

Oh, Kat, I can't believe it myself! Even *I* feel like Gracie was just born yesterday!

Hilary said...

Oh my.. there is so much more ahead of you. Every goodbye to one stage is a hello to the next. They'll keep on wowing you forever after. This is just one step of many great ones. Lime has wise advice.. she's a gem.

Elaine A. said...

oh my gosh, your photos of them all together! I see what you mean!

Mine all started school on different days so I think that helped ease the blow a bit, you know?

They are precious, I hope they have a wonderful school year!!

Carol said...

Such wise wise comments here! It seems the other moms read my mind: You have SO many good times ahead. With every 'good-bye', there are dozens of precious 'hellos'. Just remember that you are guiding your little ones so that when they finally 'fly' on their own....they will be happy, successful adults. It's what God meant you to do, Kat. Nothing but nothing compares to standing back to watch them succeed, knowing you had a whole lot to do with it all!! xoxoxoxox

lime said...

oh, i completely understand and agree about being at home while they are little and being able to participate in school and other activities with them especially now since they aren't all in school full time yet and very young. praying for that leading you need for you and your family to have a sense of unity about the best time for your own transition.

Karen Deborah said...

poignant post sometimes Kat your writing is genius. you know that goal of conveying much with few words? you got that.
love the discussion too. you are working you are doing the most important job of all. you are the center for all these people.
what your husband might be saying is a need for relief from bills?
i don't know about you but my dollar feels like a dime. my eyes nearly popped out of my head at the grocery store when a spaghetti squash cost $9. it's one of the few vegetables my husband will eat!
limes comments about how much your family needs you is so right.
nursing really?

Riahli said...

Wow! Time really does fly, I would totally fall apart in your situation, I hate those moments when it really hits home that they are all growing up too quickly...

Words To Live By

Be grateful for each new day.
A new day that you have never lived before.
Twenty-four new, fresh, unexplored hours to use usefully and profitably.
We can squander, neglect, or use them.
Life will be richer or poorer by the way we use today.
Finish every day and be done with it.
You have done what you could;
some blunders and absurdities crept in;
forget them as soon as you can.
Tomorrow is a new day.
You shall begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be
encumbered with your old nonsense.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson