Missin'

Just a few hours. Just a few hours and he'll be home. I can make it.

Yes, the house was cleaner while he was gone. One less pair of dirty socks, underwear, shoes, and clothes to put away. No half empty coffee mugs on the desk, or used cereal bowls to rinse and put in the dishwasher. I wasn't constantly searching for something he had misplaced. The grocery bill was half of what it is when he is here. No need to try and calm the boys down before bed after rough-housing with daddy. I went to bed when I felt like it and spread out and enjoyed the whole bed.

But I heard a noise that one night. And I knew I was the one who had to investigate. The boys saw a huge bug, and I had to squash it. The bed was cold when I crawled into it and I didn't have my oven to warm me up. I didn't get my kiss goodnight. Or my, it's-been-a-long-day hug. I didn't get to laugh with him at the boys antics. We didn't get to exchange a wink and a smirk when the boys threw their silly tantrums. I watched our favorite TV shows alone. I was really freaked out watching Fringe by myself.

And then? Then I tried to make the coffee. Yes. I know how to make coffee even though he usually is the one to make it every morning. But this morning? Awful. I'm used to grinding our own beans and I know exactly how much to use, but I had gotten the already ground Dunkin Donuts coffee as a treat for this week. I don't know if it was too much math for me so early in the morning, converting cups to ounces and then dividing by scoops, but ugh, it was horrible. It tasted like sludge. It had tasted so good when he made it. And I missed him. His coffee is always perfect.

And then guess what. It snowed! A few heavy inches of snow. And I had to shovel because I don't know how to use our brand new snowblower, not that it had any gas in it anyway. I was flying around shoveling, taking out the garbage, and brushing off my car so I could get Joey to school on time. And I missed him.

But I can deal with all that. I can handle it. I can kill the bugs, make the coffee, take out the garbage, shovel, and rough house with the boys. That is not the problem. I just miss him. I miss his deep, soothing voice. His warm smile. I miss how easily he can make me laugh. I miss his bear hugs. I miss his laugh. I miss his furrowed brows. I miss his sarcasm and I miss his enthusiasm. I just miss who he is. And I am READY for him to come home. I miss my buddy.

Miss you in the morning
Miss you in the night
You seem as far away
As a satellite
Miss you partly
Miss you completely
Miss you from my headly
Down to my feetly
Sittin' around missin'
And it's a big fat bore
Just missin' and missin'
Til my misser gets sore

-Anonymous

Taking Time For Me

That's right. I'm doing it. I'm taking time for me just like you all suggested. Okay. Maybe not JUST like you all suggested. I mean, I'm not going anywhere. But I am pampering myself a bit.

I have a pajama obsession. I don't know why, but I love pajamas. Every year I ask for pajamas and slippers for Christmas. I wear the same pajamas pretty much every night (except when it is hot in summer then I wear boxers or something-TMI?) so they really do get pretty worn out in one year. The pajamas I received last year for Christmas are still holding up pretty well, but I've been feeling the jammie itch already. I need new jammies.

While the boys and I were at Target this weekend I spotted an adorable oversized long sleeved t-shirt pajama top. And guess what. Sale! I grabbed it off the rack and went searching for pants to match the top, because hello! This is Wisconsin. An oversized pajama shirt may work in some places but not in Wisconsin in an old drafty house. A few racks away I found the perfect pants. It looked like they were made to go together with perfectly matching reds and even the same snowflake pattern. And guess what. SALE! It was a done deal.

Then the boys spotted the slippers. I was already feeling a little guilty about indulging in my pajama obsession but my little smarties convinced me to get the slippers too. The boys were so excited when I put the slippers in the cart you'd think they were for them. Little cuties.

So tonight I'm going to pamper myself. I'm gonna take an extra long shower (what's that?), and put on my brand new pajamas and slippers. Yay! And then when I'm good and cozy I'll grab a cup of tea and start that book I've been meaning to read. I think I could get used to this whole pampering thing!

A Fresh Start

Never did I imagine that I would be the kind of mom that would scream and yell at her children. Never did I think for one second that I would use the harsh words I have used. Never could I envision having such a hard time keeping my cool. And yet here I am hanging my head in shame.

Sunday morning was really tough. The boys threw their worst tantrums and behavior at me and I responded in kind. I tried walking away. I tried counting to ten. I even locked myself in the bathroom. Nothing worked. Each time I blew my top. I screamed, red-faced and wide eyed. I shook my finger in their faces. I told them how awful they were being and said things that were ridiculous and out of line. The minute the words came out of my mouth I was desperately trying to grab them and stuff them back in.

I'm the adult. I should be able to do this. I should be so much better at this than I am. What is wrong with me?

By the time we were ready for church I had decided I had tried all I could that morning. For the first time in their lives I dropped the boys off at Cherub School and went to church by myself. Happy to be playing, and not trying to sit still in church for an hour, the boys eagerly waved goodbye as I left all three of them in the church daycare. And though the boys were happy, I was miserable. I felt defeated. Like a failure.

I sat down in the pew at church and had all I could do to keep the tears from coming. I feel as though I am failing these boys every day. Every day there are moments I can look back on and hang my head in shame. Times I could have done better. Should have done better. This, my most important job, seems to be the only one I am not succeeding at and yet it is the only one I must.

Mass started and I listened to the scriptures. The music soothed me and the sermon inspired me. I became more and more at peace as the mass went on. And I realized, for maybe the millionth time, that we all fail at times. It is human nature. No one is perfect. We all fail. And it is in failing that we learn how to succeed. We learn how to live. And we learn how to love.

The good in this is that every day is a new day. Every hour is a new hour. Every minute is a new minute. A fresh start is just around the corner. And I'm taking it. And I'll do better this time.

Look, Look, Look!!!

Nothing like getting a package in the mail to put you in a good mood. Look what I won from Jenny at Daily Dose Of Motherhood! They are the most amazingly beautiful scented candles I've ever had. And they are wickless! Jenny has her own company and MAKES the wickless candles with 100% soy. And let me tell you people, they are AMAZING! When I opened the package Tommy said, "Oh mom! They smell like the holidays!" And that, my friends, is the highest form of praise from my boys who love nothing better than the Christmas holidays.

Jenny sent me two wickless candles, a warmer, and simple instructions on a festive card. I can't tell you what an awesome gift this was. All I can tell you is that you HAVE to go and visit her store and order some of these candles for yourself. Pamper yourself! You deserve it! Or if you are feeling generous buy some as gifts for the hard to shop for sister, mom, or mother-in-law on your Christmas list. Jenny has a long list of delicious scents to choose from and I'm sure there is one there for every palate. The scents I chose are Very Vanilla and Cozy Home and they are heaven. HEAVEN, I tell you!!!

I am going to use the Cozy Home candle for my next open house and I just KNOW that it (and St. Joseph, of course-though still not buried) will seal the deal and we'll sell the house.

Can you tell I am excited about these? I NEVER go on and on about a product, but these are that good. Love them. Thank you so much, Jenny!

Now what are you waiting for? Go get some of these AWESOME candles!

Appreciation

Todd used to leave me little notes all over the house when he would go deer hunting. I would pull back the blankets to get into bed and see a Post-It on my pillow saying, "Good night, honey! Sweet dreams! I miss you!" The next morning I would get up and go in the shower and on the shower handle a Post-It would remind me, "Taking a shower, babe? Don't forget to scrub behind your ears!" I would grab my favorite mug out of the cupboard and a Post-It would be tucked inside telling me, "Still tired, sweetie? I made a fresh pot of coffee for you, just hit the ON button on the coffee maker." I would open the freezer and yet another Post-It would ask, "What are ya eatin', hon?" Goofy little notes that made me laugh and roll my eyes would be left all over the house. I loved every one of them. I have kept a bunch over the years and they always make me smile when I read them again.

Todd doesn't do that much anymore. I suppose it is because I am no longer at work when he is packing to leave. Now I am hovering over his shoulder with our three little ones hanging onto his legs. It is pretty hard to hide love notes when the person (and three nosey monkeys) is in the house.

Yet for this trip he still managed some surprises for me. When I pulled back the blankets to climb into bed on Thursday night I found an envelope on my pillow with a romantic card inside it. Just sweet enough to put a smile on my face.

The next day I was busy getting Joey ready for school, visiting my dad, making lunches, scolding boys, and all the other household dailies that come with the territory. At the end of a long day there was a knock at the door and I happily accepted these from the delivery lady:
My favorite colored roses and a card thanking me for "holding down the fort" while he is away. Good man. Smart man.
These are the kind of things that make his trip manageable. Not the gifts of flowers and cards, although I LOVE them, but knowing Todd appreciates what I'm doing. Just being appreciated. It makes all the difference in the world. And I certainly appreciate that he knows that.

You Dissin' Me, Homie?

After much pestering, bugging, begging, and pleading from my friends I finally set up a Facebook account a few weeks ago.

I was staunchly opposed to Facebook for a long time. Number one, I already have a blog that sucks up all of my free time. How would I keep up? Number two, I don't like to join something because people are telling me too. It is just the stubbornness in me. I don't want to be a follower. Number three, I had a "Facebook Sucks" badge on my blog for the longest time because Facebook made a member take down pictures of her breastfeeding her child because they thought the pictures were obscene or something. It made me mad. Still does, actually.

However, so many of my friends who live far away have Facebook accounts. I really did want to know what they were up to, how they were doing, so I joined. Okay? I'm a joiner. I did it. I went against what I said I wouldn't do, and I did it anyway. I am a follower. Ugh.

And you know what? I love it. It is like a high school reunion without all the primping and nervousness. I have met up with SO MANY of my high school friends on Facebook. It is a blast. I LOVE hearing from people I haven't seen since high school. It really has been fun. And convenient!

Here is where it gets interesting. I was so excited when I saw a long-lost friend was on Facebook and I sent him a friend request right away. We dated for a year in high school and then when he went to college we grew apart and broke up. We didn't talk much after the break up and then a year or so later we ran into each other, started talking again, and became great friends. We were friends much longer than we ever dated. We lived in different states so we would hang out occasionally but mostly talk on the phone or email. He was a great friend, and I don't remember how (I think it was when Todd and I got engaged), but we just lost touch.

So, here is the thing. It has been a few weeks now and he never responded to my friend request. So I sent him a message saying, "What's up, homie????" and still have not received anything. Am I being dissed here, or is it just my imagination? It is actually kind of funny. I think I am being avoided. What the? Dude, you used to be such a good friend. You REALLY don't want to talk to me? What is UP with that?

It makes me wonder. Did we stop talking because I got engaged? Was that it? Because I know I lost almost all of my guy friends when I became engaged. I always thought they were such good friends and then once I was engaged they just kind of disappeared. I expected it with some of my guy friends, but not this one. It makes me wonder if the whole guys and girls can't be friends thing is true or not. Hmm.

What do you think? Am I being dissed? Avoided? Do you think guys and girls can be friends?

BAss Ackwards

Todd leaves for deer hunting today, and yesterday all I did all day was make cookies, rice krispies treats, and prepare goodies for him to take up to deer camp. Oh, and I did all the laundry too. All 6 loads. He needs clean clothes to wear, ya know. And I'm not done yet with the treats. I still have to make a huge vat of my homemade applesauce today.

Before Todd and I had children I didn't mind deer hunting at all. I couldn't understand what all these women were complaining about. I got to go out with just my girlfriends, watch whatever I wanted on television without eye rolling or sighing, eat as much junk food as I could in a week, go shopping, stay up as late as I wanted without worrying about waking him up when I finally did make it to bed. It was actually always a nice relaxing week. Not that I didn't enjoy having him around the rest of the year. I did. But I have always been a girl who likes her alone time, and that week was always nice for me.

But now that we have kids it gets a bit more complicated. I don't have anymore "me time". No more massages or shopping trips (unless I want to drag the three screaming banshees along with me). Plus, the whole week before he leaves I am baking and cooking for his trip. How backwards is that? "Hey honey, I'm gonna be gone for an entire week drinking, playing cards, and yakking with my buds while you stay home with the kids. And, oh by the way, could you make a couple hundred dozen cookies, a few meals, and side dishes for us to eat while we are up there? Thanks."

And not only do I not get a break for even a moment for an entire week, but the boys are grouchy and mad the whole time daddy is gone because they wanted to go with him. Sounds like fun right?

Still, I'm glad Todd gets to go every year. Even though it is a huge pain in the rump for me, he deserves it. He works really hard for our family. His job is a nightmare at times. I certainly would NOT want to do what he does on a daily basis. He works long days and still comes home and wants to help, participate, and play. So he needs a break. He deserves a break. And I am happy to be able to help him enjoy it.

I just hope that he will be just as happy to give me a break soon. Maybe for BlogHer?