Misfit Love

The hubby and I were driving in the car when a Phil Collins song (Separate Lives) came on the radio.
Todd immediately said, "This is a couple's skate everyone. Couples skate only."

I, catching the roller skating reference, laughed.

Then Todd proceeded, "And that is when I would go sit down. No one ever wanted to skate with the fat kid."

"Aww, honey. No one ever wanted to skate with the skinny, flat-chested girl that looked like a boy either." I comforted.

He chuckled and said, "I did. But she didn't want to skate with me either."

We laughed some more and held hands, happy that those days are long gone.

And now the two misfits live happily ever after.

The Ups And Downs

That's the way life goes.

You have your ups and your downs.

I'll take more ups, please!

The Downs-

-After enjoying yesterday's thunderstorm I suddenly got a massive migraine. I don't know if it was the air pressure from the storm, or what, but it was a doosie. It is NO FUN taking care of 3 boys while my brains are spilling out onto the floor and I'm trying not to vomit from the pain. I went from being fun, sweet, loving mommy to psycho, don't talk to, look at, or breath in her direction, mommy. Poor boys. They had to put up with that all day. I actually told Tommy, "Tommy, if you don't shut your yipper I'm gonna karate chop your head!" Luckily he thought it was funny. Can we say, "psycho mom"?

-I have a fro. It is not pretty. I haven't cut my hair in over three months because I am growing it out but, seriously, something needs to be done. I'm beginning to look like a crazy person.

-I only ran once this week. My K-Lo bootie is getting bigger by the second. I can feel it.

The Ups

- Dad has been adjusting to the nursing home amazingly well. The beginning of the week was a bit rough. Dad was just really out of it. Barely able to walk. Didn't really know who anyone was. Now, these last few days he has been completely different. Much more lucid and cheerful. I walked into his room and he was sitting in his recliner (we brought his favorite chair from home) drinking tea and listening to music with mom. We laughed and talked and he even called me by my name. Something I haven't heard in a long time. Mom has been taking him out on car rides and trips to their favorite ice cream shops, and when they get back to the nursing home dad says, "Yep. We're home now." I think dad thinks that mom lives at the nursing home with him because she is there so much of the time. The last few days have been nothing short of a blessing. I realize he will go back and forth between horrible days, okay days, and wonderful days, but I'm willing to take them as they come. It has been so good to see him smile again.

-I have a haircut appointment for Saturday. At least I'm doing something about one of the downs!

- Yesterday's thunderstorm. Loved it! So good!


So there you have it. Not too up and not too down. Pretty even keel. And for someone like me who has recently been a freaking weeping, sobbing, emotional mess that is pretty good.

Soothing Storms

This morning I woke up around 5:30 to rattling windows and rumbling floors. Huge claps and long rolls of thunder were shaking the house one right after the other. The lightening lit up the room. I snuggled down in my blankets, listened for the boys, and enjoyed the spring storm.

I have always loved thunderstorms. They give me such a warm, cozy feeling. And looking back on it I know my mom worked hard to create those feelings during storms. From very little on she would take me out on our front porch to spot the lightening and watch the rain dance. We would wrap up in blankets during the colder storms and eat cherries and spit the pits out over the railing during warmer storms. She would ooh with each bolt of lightening and ahh with each smack of thunder. Her enthusiasm was catching. Because of her love of thunderstorms I was never afraid.

Now, having my own kids, I am following my mom's lead. Instead of storms being something scary they are fun and comforting. During storms we read books, or watch out the window. We go out on the front porch with popsicles. We snuggle close together. We fight to be the first one to spot the lightening, and laugh at the low-rumbling thunder farts. (such boys)

This morning I was so excited to wake up to the first big storm of the year. I stayed in bed for an hour listening and dreaming. When I finally got out of bed I made myself a cup of coffee and went out on the front porch to watch the sky. I decided this would be the perfect opportunity to let the boys join in the fun. I got them out of bed, let them bring them bring their lambie and blankie (which usually stay in their beds) downstairs, got them some juice (which is normally reserved for special occasions), and brought them out on the front porch with me. We watched as the hard rain flooded the street. We watched the nonstop lightening. We listened to the rolling thunder go on and on. It was fun. It was cozy. It was special. It was a perfect way to start the day.

WW- Pretty In Pink

Trying

I've been trying not to write every single post about my dad. I've been trying really hard. But the truth is that I think about him all the time. My dad is in the back (or front) on my mind all the time. Most days I am able to enjoy the boys, the weather, and our daily life. I am so lucky and I know I have a wonderful life. But there is this heartache tucked away.

This past Wednesday dad was finally taken out of the psych ward at the hospital and transferred to a nursing home. It all went smoothly and so far it looks like dad is coping well. There have not been any violent outbursts yet, so we are keeping our fingers crossed.

The day after he arrived at the nursing home I started decorating his room. It looked so bare compared to all the other residents and I wanted to spruce it up as soon as possible. Mom kept telling me that dad probably wouldn't notice and not to make too much fuss but I figured that if dad couldn't be at home at least he could be surrounded by pictures and blankets and music from home. Just as I was finishing up mom walked into the room took one look around and started crying. She wasn't expecting to see me there, and the room looked so much better she just couldn't hold her emotions in.

This has been so hard on her. She visits dad everyday for a few hours. She takes him outside and walks (pushes him in a wheelchair on his bad days) him around the grounds. Helps him eat his lunch and dinner. Plays music for him. And just keeps him company.

No matter how long I live in this life I don't know if I will ever see two people more bonded than my mom and dad. Dad lights up when mom walks in the room. He leans over and whispers to her, "I am so glad you're here. I love you so much. You are my whole life. You are so beautiful." They hug and hug and then cry. It is breathtaking and heartbreaking.

Even on the days when dad doesn't know who mom is he still loves her. He was walking down the hallway with a nurse when my mom came in through the doors. Dad turned to the nurse and said, "Oh, here she comes! She is so beautiful! I'm going to marry her someday!" My mom heard him say it and told him, "Oh Johnny, we're married already. We've been married for 49 years." Dad's face lit up and he responded, "Oh. That's good!" And then of course the sadness sets in and he says, "Oh honey, what has happened to us?" Then, more tears.

All of this, and so much more, has been swirling around in my head and it all showed itself on Saturday night. Todd and I went to his cousin's wedding and we had a great time. We talked and laughed with relatives. We had some drinks and of course we had some cake. I even got Todd out on the dance floor.

Then a song started to play. Remember When. The DJ asked all the married couples to get out on the dance floor and as they danced he began asking the couples to exit the dance floor based on how long they were married. The couple married the longest would be the last couple dancing. As I listened to the words of the song, and watched all of the couples married 40-50 years dancing, I couldn't help thinking about mom and dad. How they loved to dance together. How beautiful they looked. How enchanting they were to watch. And how they won't ever dance like that again. I couldn't hold back the tears. I headed off to the bathroom to recover only to come back to the father/daughter dance. I did well at first, and then really lost it. I hid my face in Todd's shoulder knowing I couldn't stop the floodgates. It all really hit me. I thought about my dad and I dancing together at my wedding. The greatest father/daughter dance ever. I thought about how much my dad would love to be at a wedding dancing and having fun. I thought about dad sleeping all alone in his room at the nursing home. I wondered if he was lonely. I wondered if he was scared. I wondered if his heart was breaking at that moment just as mine was. I wondered and wondered and wondered.

It is so difficult to stop these thoughts from bubbling to the surface. It doesn't do any good to dwell on it. And most of the time I am okay. I try not to think about it too much. I try to be positive. I'm trying. Because I really am lucky.

I am so lucky to have had my dad as long as I have. And I'm lucky he is still here. Because there are moments, however few, when I can still see his personality make an escape from his mind's prison. And he is daddy all over again. Briefly. But he is in there. And I can still hug him. I can still tell him I love him. And I know he hears me. His heart hears me even when his mind doesn't know me.

Schmoozing

Pucker up, baby!

Come on and knock me a kiss.

How can you resist?

*****

Kiss me, lil' mama!
You know you can't stay angry.
I am just too cute!

*****

Smooch me, sweetie pie!

Can't hold this pose forever.

Now is your last chance.

Remembering

My dad was always quite the entertainer. He was a wonderful singer and dancer, and a great storyteller as well. He loved impersonating characters he would see on television. Do you remember Crazy Guggenheim on The Jackie Gleason Show? Dad loved him and did a great impersonation. He also loved The Mad Russian. When dad would enter a room he would often bellow "How do you do?" just like him. You couldn't help but laugh when he did it. Even as dad's Alzheimer's progressed he would still make my boys laugh like crazy with his goofy voices. He hasn't been able to do any of that lately and I wonder how long it will be before my boys forget all about how fun grandpa could be.

I was getting really sad thinking about it the other day. Wondering how much time my dad has left. How he really isn't himself anymore no matter how hard he tries. How my kids won't remember grandpa the way he used to be. They won't remember how they would beg my dad, "Grandpa, say 'how do you do' again!" over and over. They won't remember how grandpa could be the life of the party.

Just as the lump in my throat was getting close to bursting Tommy walked in the room and said in his best "grandpa" impersonation voice, "How do you do?" and laughed and laughed. I just looked at him, stunned. How did he know to say that at that moment? How did he know that was exactly what I needed to hear?

My eyes filled with tears. I bent down, cradled Tommy's face in my hands, and kissed his sweet little cheeks. They may not remember him as they get older but I will tell them all I know. And he will always be a part of them. Always.